Rage, anguish and other regrets
I am known as the Mr Nice Guy among my colleagues. One who has an almost Buddha-like calmness under stressful situations (hej, this was they say!) Especially from my non-Asian friends; sometimes I think they read too much about the stereotypical stoic Asian mystics...haha ;)
Yes, for those outside the immediate family circle, I may be the epitome of calmness and niceness. But I am a very short tempered person to my immediate family. This is the part of my personality which causes me much stress and distress. I explode in rage fast and most of the time it is for trivial reasons. Most of the time I regret this in the aftermaths.
I read about books about how the cancer may be telling us that something is just not right in our life. Some authors suggested we talk to our innerself to ask what is the cancer trying to tell us.
This inner rage has been with me since I left home for university in the late 1980s. I don't have the best of relation with my parents. I felt somehow we drifted apart. I do love them,feel for them...when I am far away from them, but the moment I am with them, somehow the communications line just got cut off.
Intellectually, I know it's not right, but emotionally, I am like locked in a vicious circle of rage and anguish which I just can't to solve. And this is not about the fact that I was adopted. I have never regreted of being adopted by the Foo family.
One of the things I regret most is my dad passing away without me telling him how much I admire and appreciate him. Not that it is a normal Asian dad-son thing to say such things in the open! He went away without me really knowing if he knew how I really felt. Now, I can only send him metta and share merits with him.
I still have another chance. That is to improve my relationship with my mom. This may be my last chance.
The cancer has sort of slapped me into awakening. I noticed that my cancer cells became naughtier everytime I lose my temper. Like this recent incident; it came after I threw a tantrum. Like the tale about Sakka , getting angry is like adding fuel to the fire.
Yes, for those outside the immediate family circle, I may be the epitome of calmness and niceness. But I am a very short tempered person to my immediate family. This is the part of my personality which causes me much stress and distress. I explode in rage fast and most of the time it is for trivial reasons. Most of the time I regret this in the aftermaths.
I read about books about how the cancer may be telling us that something is just not right in our life. Some authors suggested we talk to our innerself to ask what is the cancer trying to tell us.
This inner rage has been with me since I left home for university in the late 1980s. I don't have the best of relation with my parents. I felt somehow we drifted apart. I do love them,feel for them...when I am far away from them, but the moment I am with them, somehow the communications line just got cut off.
Intellectually, I know it's not right, but emotionally, I am like locked in a vicious circle of rage and anguish which I just can't to solve. And this is not about the fact that I was adopted. I have never regreted of being adopted by the Foo family.
One of the things I regret most is my dad passing away without me telling him how much I admire and appreciate him. Not that it is a normal Asian dad-son thing to say such things in the open! He went away without me really knowing if he knew how I really felt. Now, I can only send him metta and share merits with him.
I still have another chance. That is to improve my relationship with my mom. This may be my last chance.
The cancer has sort of slapped me into awakening. I noticed that my cancer cells became naughtier everytime I lose my temper. Like this recent incident; it came after I threw a tantrum. Like the tale about Sakka , getting angry is like adding fuel to the fire.
posted by Hee Boon at 4:51 pm
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