Worth the price...
I have blogged about this in December 2005.
It's about my rage. Selective rage.
Outside my immediate family, I am known as the ultimate nice guy, hej, people tell me. I am amiable and eager to please. I am a natural diplomat. I never forget the time when a former UN colleague said I am the perfect UN guy.
But in some dark recesses in my mind, there is a ever ready fiery burning magma raging to burst forth. And the target of my rage is my immediate family; mom and sister. Somehow, is it because I know they will love no matter what, my temper is uncontrolable? Not that there is any physical violence, but verbal outbursts that are rude and crude.
I tried..oh hell I tried to control..but somehow the path of habit runs too deep to be diverted. Can't seem to rein it in. It causes me deep distress and pain after the rages subsided, and I always find I could have responded in another way, a gentler way, a way that naturally happen with others, but there seems to be a more powerful Mr Hyde in me when I am with my family.
Then I had cancer...
I am glad to say I have become more mellow. If before I want things to be done my way, I have learnt to let go. Let it be. Let it flow. Leave it. Most of all I can see it coming and have been more alert to let it be. Let it pass.
The past week's hospital stay also gave me pause and reflect on the lessons I have learnt this past year, and how I should be moving forward from now.
If cancer didn't come, I don't think I will be able to reach this self aware stage. I am sure I would become more brash and crude because I was confident that my consultancy practices would have been at its height in 2005. My early 2005 diary was filled with overseas engagements with vast opportunities.
If cancer is the price I have pay so that my mom and sister sees another side of me, believe or not...I say it's worth it. If I die now, I will be so glad they are able to see the final image of me as someone in control of his temper. Someone who is calm and capable of controlling himself. Someone at peace with himself.
It's about my rage. Selective rage.
Outside my immediate family, I am known as the ultimate nice guy, hej, people tell me. I am amiable and eager to please. I am a natural diplomat. I never forget the time when a former UN colleague said I am the perfect UN guy.
But in some dark recesses in my mind, there is a ever ready fiery burning magma raging to burst forth. And the target of my rage is my immediate family; mom and sister. Somehow, is it because I know they will love no matter what, my temper is uncontrolable? Not that there is any physical violence, but verbal outbursts that are rude and crude.
I tried..oh hell I tried to control..but somehow the path of habit runs too deep to be diverted. Can't seem to rein it in. It causes me deep distress and pain after the rages subsided, and I always find I could have responded in another way, a gentler way, a way that naturally happen with others, but there seems to be a more powerful Mr Hyde in me when I am with my family.
Then I had cancer...
I am glad to say I have become more mellow. If before I want things to be done my way, I have learnt to let go. Let it be. Let it flow. Leave it. Most of all I can see it coming and have been more alert to let it be. Let it pass.
The past week's hospital stay also gave me pause and reflect on the lessons I have learnt this past year, and how I should be moving forward from now.
If cancer didn't come, I don't think I will be able to reach this self aware stage. I am sure I would become more brash and crude because I was confident that my consultancy practices would have been at its height in 2005. My early 2005 diary was filled with overseas engagements with vast opportunities.
If cancer is the price I have pay so that my mom and sister sees another side of me, believe or not...I say it's worth it. If I die now, I will be so glad they are able to see the final image of me as someone in control of his temper. Someone who is calm and capable of controlling himself. Someone at peace with himself.
posted by Hee Boon at 3:44 pm
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