Taking a break

My blogging kind of slowed down lately. Well, there is no lofty aspirations like Carpe Diem when you are bed bound most of the time. Another reason I don't blog often is I prefer not to turn this into a blog to announce which ache at which part of my body.

If you want to know, I have an ache that's strolling throughout my body; one day it attacks my shoulders, another day it attacks my waist. Sort of strolling around my body. Most of the time it is painful to stand and sit without back support, so that's why I prefer to lie down.

Coughing comes occasionally when my throat is dry, and the position of my body is not right.

Another disturbing development is a growing numbness in my right hand. The underarm of the right hand is numb including the ring and little finger.

I have not adjusted my mind yet to this new physical reality. Have not adjusted to being productive in this state. Most of the time, I lie and try to adjust to the most comfortable position.

Appetite's gone too. Don't enjoy home cooked food. But I do think of all the outside food; all the time. Hej, that's how I occupied my mind nowadays! Maybe I am not used to my sister's & maid's cooking. I wish I am up and able to cook on my own.

Sleeping is disturbed at night as I adjust many times to more comfortable positions.

Thinking about Ms K's condition also does not help. Sometimes I want to end all this debilitating state. What is the use of lying down all the time; being useless and unmotivated. Yes, I have blogged about Carpe Diem but it is not what I want to do now...

That's another reason for the long interval in blogging. My motivation is not what I would like it to be. I don't feel good blogging about my low motivation. But then this is what and how I feel now. It is the reality in my journey.

Perhaps I am just tired of trying to be strong. Maybe the effort is just too much. Maybe I just want to just let go. A break...

Peace

I was in two minds to blog this. It will be a blog about someone else's suffering, but I figured since I may go down the same path, I will blog it. I hope Ms K will be ok with this.

Yesterday, Ms K replied to my sms. She is still on assisted-breathing via oxygen tank, and unable to walk nor stand. I had the "pleasure" of such debilitation in March. Lack of oxygen really shuts your system down. Slight physical exertion exhausted me.

She said her condition now is like one of our compatriot during his final days, before he too succumbed to lung cancer.

The last line in her sms is: "Stay well dear friend".

Suddenly I was enveloped by a sense of overwhelming loneliness and sorrow.

Ms K has been the anchor of our small network of lung cancer patients. We see our number dwindling as a few passed away. Ms K and I kept in touch via email, sms and phone calls; both encouraging each other. I still remember her cheerful encouragement to me when I contemplated chemo, which she has gone thru.

Yes, she is still alive. But both of us know the end is near for her. Unless a miracle happens, we know another phase is opening.

Both of us have discussed our eventual demise. Both of us are at peace with death, it is just the thought about process of dying that is uncomfortable.

How will we die? I asked this question to one of my doctors. He said there are many ways we lung cancer patients go; one is metastasis to the liver where there will be liver failure and toxins just accumulate in our body. This will knock us into coma and eventual death.

Another is metastasis to the brain where again there will be coma, a series of comas even when we drift in and out of the coma and eventually die. I told the doctor I prefer the 2nd option as I drift slowly into a series of comas and then a full stop...haha!

Indeed, a few nights ago, while lying on my bed, I imagined the ideal death will be like a house at night; we can see from the windows as the lights were shut one-by-one when the occupants retire for the night; a slow gentle system shut down.

The doctors have done what they can for Ms K. I wish Ms K peace come what may, and a peaceful transition when that phase of her life comes...

Alert

Well, it's final then.

One of my insurance policy lasped in January 2005 during one of the most tumultuous period of my life. Although my first cancerous symptom happened withing the policy's period, but the official diagnosis was like 2 months later. I was hoping the company would take the view that the symptom counts as good enough for compensation.

It was not to be. So I contacted the the Financial Mediation Bureau for help. But they too of the view that my policy refers to an official diagnosis, which the policy clearly stated. So FMB agreed with the decision of the insurance company to not award the compensation.

It's all water under the bridge now.

Lessons learnt:
1) It's my responsibility to keep my policies up-to-date, but it would helped a lot if you have a conscientuos insurance agent alert you to deadlines. The agent for this particular insurance policy only contacted me after the lapse and remarked "Too bad..." when I told him that I had cancer.

He sort of abandoned me after that, but came back to give some minor tips after another insurance agent who is my friend contacted him. So get a good policy and look-out for a insurance agent who has your welfare in mind, and not just to collect premium.

How to get a good insurance agent? I would base it on recommendation from friends and relatives. What would you do?

I know my other insurance agent is par excellence. She went beyond the call of duty and she is from another insurance company, yet helped me to talk to my renegade agent and personally handed my petition to FMB.

2) Put premium payment on auto payment such as credit card autopayment, or other automatic payment. That insurance policy lasped between the death of my grandma, father and my hospitalisation, and I didnt get reminder letters. It is time like this an auto payment scheme is so valuable. I thought there is an Auto Payment Loan facility for that policy, but that was a term insurance so it is not available. Numerous reasons...

It finally came...

Comment spammers attacked this blog yesterday. There are like 20 comments made probably by spammers programme that leads to advertisements. So I have instituted word verification and moderation for the comments section to prevent these useless comments.

The State of the Union 2

The leg pain is gone, to be replaced by enhanced neck pain. It's the usual neck pain at the back of my left neck. Sleep was disturbed last night. Eating is slightly painful when I open my mouth, it presses the pain spot at the back of head. I hope this will go away soon, I am eating less due to this pain.

Coughing also came depending on the position I lie down.

I was supposed to have a consultation with Dr Kana yesterday. He called the day before to advise that it is not necessary if I do not want to continue with the 2nd round chemotherapy. NCI thinking is that it is not necessary to go thru all the scans and x-rays if the patients is feeling fine. They only treat if the symptoms come back especially for palliative care cases like me.

I agree with him. So let's see how long the previous chemo will hold up my health...

The day the dial-tone died...

Late Tuesday afternoon a major telephone cable malfunctioned causing my neighbourhood telephone line to go kaput until this morning. 3 days without net access!

Ages begone and beyond

Amazing.

I kept reading her description of her adopted daughter,"‘Who can resist her smile and her twinkling eyes?’

The Star, Saturday May 13, 2006

She loves her like her own

By LOONG MENG YEE; newesdesk@thestar.com.my

KLANG: When Wong Lee Foong was about a year old, her grandmother wished her dead.

“It's better for you to die before I do. If not, who will care for you?” she once asked.

But the grandmother was not being cruel.

The family was just too poor and hard-pressed to care for the youngest child, born with cerebral palsy and epilepsy and could neither walk nor talk.

To eke out a living, the grandmother would troop the four grandchildren under her care to the fields to plant lady's fingers in Kundang, Rawang.

While the rest of her siblings played, Lee Foong was left under a tree, attracting flies as she urinated and defecated.

Grandma fed the child with condensed milk, the only kind of baby food she could afford.

And then along came Roxanna Lim, a social worker who took the child as her own.

She was a single working woman then, but she promised to be the best mother to the disabled child.

For the next 20 years, Lim tried to live up to the promise. She quit her job to become a full-time mother and has been living on donations since.

When Lee Foong 's contorted body needed a special medical bed, Lim begged a private rehabilitation school to give her one.

When the special child's eyes were diagnosed with retina detachment, Lim took her to Singapore for a corrective surgery. A couple sponsored the trip and the surgery was a success.

“I want my Lee Foong to continue seeing the beautiful rainbow, her favourite Barney show and her pretty Christmas dress,” said Lim, 53.

The journey through life for the awesome twosome has been peppered with laughter, sorrow, despair and encouragement and, above all, faith, hope and love.

Asked if she regretted taking in Lee Foong, Lim said: “It has not been easy, but I have God on my side.

“Who can resist her smile and her twinkling eyes? My baby may not be like the rest, but she is definitely not a child of a lesser God,” said Lim.


I can only surmise that a bond this strong has gone and will go on beyond this lifetime. A bond that has continued for many lifetimes before this, and may continue for many more after this. Roxanna sees Lee Foong beyond her physical disability; "her smile and her twinkling eyes". Where another would look away or stare with pity; Roxanna felt blessed to be a mother to Lee Foong.

That is a link beyond the comprehension of mere mortals like me. She saw beyond the current reality. Surely a bond like this has been built upon ages that have passed. Both may have been mother and daughter, father and son, husband and wife, siblings, lovers or best friends in other lifetimes and different lifeforms. This life is just a another passage for this two connection of energy to reunite again, and reaffirm their oneness.

Words fail me in expressing the awesome wonder of their bond. Nay, it is beyond intellect to embrace the magnificent tie both Roxanna and Lee Foong have. I can only wonder and rejoice at this astounding bond.

Sadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu!

Ms K

My fellow lung cancer patient Ms K is still in the hospital with 24-hours oxygen-assisted breathing. She has been hospitalised for more than 2 weeks. She is not that fast in replying to sms, sometimes it took days.

One day I asked Khadijah about Mr K's condition and she said Ms K managed to sit on a chair instead of confined to the bed. That was a few days ago. Yesterday, Ms K sms-ed me to say she is need 24-hours oxygen assistance.

Whenever I think of her, I think that her current condition was what I had experienced recently, and it could happen again...

Friend of the departed

On Saturday, mom went to our old house and retrieved some letters. One of the letters is from my dad's friend in Australia. Mr Lee enquired, in his letter, if my dad is still at that address. Both of them were colleagues at the Police Department and Mr Lee migrated to Australia.

I remembered nearly 30 years ago my dad bought back cassette tapes from Mr Lee. My dad and Mr Lee shared, at that time, similar taste in music. Mostly instrumental piano of popular songs.

They kept in touch occasionally and exchanged Chinese New Year cards without fail every year.

I recall Mr Lee's card last February before my dad passed away. I wanted to write to Mr Lee to convey the news but I was hospitalised a week later, and my family and I were engulfed in greater turmoil; my cancer! And his card and contacts are also lost in the move to move away and clear my dad's possession.

So here's another chance to write to Mr Lee.

Mother's Day

No Mother's Day celebration here. I arranged for my niece and her best friend to bring mom to the Mother's Day buffet at one of the local hotels. Mom said she don't want to go. My sister is away and I am incapacitated by the leg pain.

Maybe that's why she is not keen to celebrate Mother's day when her kids are not around her. I didnt manage to plan for anything else because I didn't expect her to say no. So no go.

Reflective Wesak Day

A year ago, I posted this blog. It is still relevant for today...
Have a reflective Wesak Day!

Here we go again?

Knocked my left shin yesterday, and a bump developed. On top of that, I sprained the muscle of my right butt. The night previously I was pushing myself up the bed with my right leg and the pain developed gradually.

So both of my legs are painful. Worse when getting up; pain shows you which muscle are involved in which action! So now, again, I am confined mostly to the bed because walking is so painful. And with pain, there goes my appetite too...

I sure hope the pain of the muscle is just that, a sprain and not radiating from the pelvis metastatis. If that happens I may need to go for radiotherapy again...

Makeover

As I reported a few months back, I will be featured in a new Astro TV programme. It is a series featuring Malaysians who are coping with ailments. It is scheduled to be shown this June. One of the feature of the programme is to fulfill a wish of the patient.

I have always wanted to create a "nostalgia corner" as a tribute to my parents; a space harking back to the 50s, 60s and 70s with a wall-full of black and white photos of our family especially my dad. So Astro engaged Eric Leong to the task. Eric is the interior designer who made the local "reality" show Casa Impian the 2nd highest rated Astro programme after Akademi Fantasia.

So on the 26 April the Astro crew, Eric and workers from sponsors came to do the makeover. There are around a total of 20 people in the makeover which took 5.5 hours; a record for Eric. This makeover is also the first outside the Klang Valley.

I have loaded photos of this makeover in my web album at flickr.com. The Astro programme will be shown in June.

MIA

Yes, I hv been missing from this blog for a week. Just giving myself a break. As I have said before, when things are relatively smooth; there is not much turmoil to break out those creative juices!

Health-wise, it is either stable or improving so slowly that I hardly notice it. But I am well except of the on-off pain at the back of my left head and neck. Not delibitating but makes me move like Robocop; stiffly and I have to turn my whole body to turn my head!

I also spend most of the time on the bed because sitting on a chair tires my back when I have to balance the neck pain. Also spent most of the time resting because I get tired easily especially immediately after the chemo sessions.

I do my net surfing and work on laptop on my bed because of the back support from the Paramount bed. I can walk slowly but can't walk too far because the legs are quite weak.

I was like a couch potato last week because suddenly I took a sudden liking to watch videos of American Idols rejects. Amazing to see how some people do not know they can't sing, but they are all entertaining ;) Too bad they have stopped producing Malaysian Idol.

Appetite is still ok but tend to prefer stronger tasting food like curry.

So a day in my life last week was to learn some Chinese characters, reading, net surfing and resting.