Keep well and happy...till I am back beside you ;)

Before this blog goes on leave tomorrow for a week, I would like to leave you with some extracts from 2 books I have been reading. I will elaborate more in a later blog. But for now, I leave these paragraphs from the books for you. I hope you mull it over....

Unweaving the Rainbow by Richard Dawkins (pg. 1):

We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.


The Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson (pg. 17):

Welcome. And congratulations. I am delighted that you could make it. Getting here wasn't easy. I know. In fact, I suspect it was a little toughter than you realize.

To begin with, for you to be here now trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and curiously obliging manner to create you. It's an arrangement so specialized and particular that i has never been tried before and will only exist this once. For the next many years (we hope) these tiny particles will uncomplainingly engage in all the billions of deft, co-operative efforts necessary to keep you intact and let you experience the supremely agreeable but generally under appreciated state known as existence.

So I take leave now. Hope to see you again. So dearies, keep well and happy, y'hear! :)

Stream of Joy

Last weekend saw a stream of very interesting visitors.

Bro Lim my spiritual adviser brought a Japanese spiritual master to see me. Master Tadashi, Lim and I shared my experiences. He said he came to learn from me. What an honour :)

He also said that while I was talking he sent energy to me, and saw my astral self rises above the bed. Wah! I told my mom about this and she thought I was really physically elevated...haha

Søren and Gayathry came next. Søren was my colleague in one of DANIDA's project. We talked about old times and the carbon market. Gayathry is the editor-in-chief of a new radio station called Radiqradio . She asked if I am interested to some radio broadcast.

Sounds interesting. Maybe there can be a hourly "inspirational moment" airtime with me! Søren suggested a reading of my blog. And of course they brought more joy with their chocolate gift which I have been thinking of the whole week...hahaha

And my gang of ACS schoolmates came too; Cheah, Fong and John. Also came to check me out are my cousins Ah Tee (Tze) and wife, and Ah Sze. Friends Yii Tan and Leng Eng came on Sunday.

Thanks, friends and family. You made my weekend. :)

I take this opportunity also to thank friends and relatives who dropped by when I was in NCI a few weeks ago. Kian Foh, Soon, Sally, Kiyau Loo, Mr. Gurmit, Siew, Charles and wife, Ah Tee and family. The Astro crew which was doing a feature at NCI as part of my programme dropped by to jenguk jenguk.

Mrs McCoy who brought me lunch when the canteen was closed, and also her flowers which brighthened my room until I checked out after a week. And those who sms and called. Many many thanks, people!

My way

A few weeks ago, while consulting with Dr Kana, he expressed his concern about me blogging about my own funeral services. I said I am not at that end stage yet. Well, I told him I am treating it as part of life preparation, not that I have given up.

During my previous NCI stay, I have playing around with my own obituary. I have seen the usual obituaries in the papers and obviously they were drafted by their surviving relatives. I want mine to be done my way!

So today I have completed my first draft and its with my sister now. It reflects my personality and it will be playful. I hope The Star paper do not have any editorial restrictions on cheerful obituaries...haha

The State of the Union

My physical condition is improving.

I can now take bath on my own without breathlessness. Able to walk short distance but legs still weak and need rest on bed after some effort, but compared to my immobility 2 weeks ago, I got no complaints.

Appetite is ferocious. I eat anything and everything and in actually food occupies my mind most of the time...haha

But I know the steroid is masking lots of symptoms but I am tapering off it. And with the tapering off, my sleeping pattern is also returning to normal. Normal that is for me; I retire to bed by 7pm, wake up around midnight, and sleep again till early morning. Fine with me where early on the steroid regime I had insomnia for the whole night.

Babies galore

A few nights ago I had a weird dream. I dreamt that my mom had placed babies of relatives on my bed while I was sleeping. I thought she might thinking that I would enjoy having babies to play with!

I woke up with first one baby wringling on my bed, then two, then three...at first I kind of enjoyed the soft sweet smelling cooing gurgling babies...then the number of babies began to increase and my bed is full of babies!!!

I called out to my mom to remove the babies and that's when I was jolted from dreamland. My mom came running wondering what am I shouting about removing babies, and we had a good chuckle :)

Yum

One of my favourite food is the plain simple humble hard boiled eggs.

Eat it on its own is best. The combination of soft smooth egg yolk and the fluffy yolk is a sensation to be savoured. Bite into it, and feel the smooth breakaway of the egg white, and later as your teeth sink deeper, relish the crumbling of the yolk as it mixes with the egg white.

Eat with kicap and that hint of saltiness is just exquisite.

Or eat it with nasi lemak's sambal. I am "save-the-best-for-last" type of eater. So I will finish everything on the plate and save the hard boiled egg and a dollop of sambal till the last. At the very last triumphant moment, I put that precious dollop of sambal on the egg and eat it.

yumyumyum!!!

Carpe Diem!!!

I have made daily aspirations when I wake up in the morning. I shout a hearty Good Morning, Everyone; directed to all the cells in my body. Healthy cells and cancer cells.

I must emphasise again and again I have no fight with my cancer cells; they are my cells which gone unhealthy. They are part of me; I don't want to fight them. They need nurturing and care. There is no war, there is no battle raging in my body. There is only compassion and loving kindness.

So I say a Very Good Morning to them.

I continue:

May the healthy cells continue to be healthy. May the cancerours cells be taken away to a better existence. I know the chemotherapy is now looking for you. I really don't want to hurt you, but by the very act of your removal you gain a more peaceful existence, I wish you well.

I know the chemo is also hurting my healthy cells, let it be, but be gentler with them as much as you can. I wish them speedy recovery and minimal damage from the chemo.

Today is another sweet bonus day. Every day of existence I cherish. It is a chance to make the world a better place; no matter how little it seems, I want to end the day with the satisfaction that I left the world a better place than the morning.

I have so many opportunities to do good, even though I can't go out from the house.

The first place to begin is of course my own body and mind. I wish my body to be well and happy; let the healthy and cancer cells be equally blessed. May they be well and happy. And let the chemo to do it's job.

I strive to improve my mind and my responses and interpretation of events happening to me. I choose to respond in a manner I decide. Let my body be wrecked but let my mind be strong.

Next is my relation with my mom, sister, family and friends. I can still make improvement in the way I touch their lives, and them mine. I can still improve on bringing joy and gladness to their lives if they let me. I have the power, I have the desire and I want to.

I am blessed that I can still influence events beyond my physical sphere. I can still influence my favourite issues such as climate change and global warming. I can still write and influence events relating to these my favourite issues. I am still officially a consultant to one project and am still welcome to influence in the work of my other associates. Thank you.

My mind is where my universe is. I strive to learn to improve my mind thru reading, thinking so that I can think of ideas and ways to improve myself and spheres of my influence.

Allow me not just to take up space on this earth. Let me make a difference because I can and want to.

Even though I can't be physically be there, but my ideas can still reach out.

I will strive to improve this mind; continuous learning and appreciating this current phase of my life, and savouring each bonus moment.

Let this day be a better day. Let each day be improved because I am in it. Let each day ends with me saying: Thank you, everyone. Today I improved the world, because I have improved.

Thank you.

Let's enjoy today. Let's look forward to tomorrow; another blessed sweet bonus day.

Carpe Diem!!!

Birthday Chemo

My next round of chemo will start on 28 March if my blood count is ok. I want to stay for a week in NCI lest there are anymore complications.

That means I will spend my birthday on the 30 March in NCI. I have told my sister that there should be no visiting or celebration because that would be critical period for my immune system.

Anyway, I have already planned for my first ever birthday gift which I will give to myself...haha :)

It will also be the first anniversary of this blog which started on 30 March 2005.

So people, I take leave from this blog for a week starting 28 March 2006.

Chemotherapy in action

At first, I thought the 3 rounds of chemo are all there is to it. I thought the chemo goes in, does it job and leave immediately. Oh hoh...not so!

The chemo entered is still in my system now. They are still actively mopping up both the cancer cells AND the healthy cells, like any other carpet bombing operation would do. The only thing is the healthy cells will recover while the cancer cells will depart to a better place, hopefully where they don't suffer anymore...

So the doctors warned me about coming reduction of my immune capacity; I may be more susceptible to infection, ulcers in mouth, easy bruises on skin, more tired and more of side effects. I am ready. I prefer to think of them as "may" rather than "will".

I was told I will be "clean" after at least 3 months after the final 3rd round of chemo. That's how long the chemo chemical will reside in my body...

Worth the price...

I have blogged about this in December 2005.

It's about my rage. Selective rage.

Outside my immediate family, I am known as the ultimate nice guy, hej, people tell me. I am amiable and eager to please. I am a natural diplomat. I never forget the time when a former UN colleague said I am the perfect UN guy.

But in some dark recesses in my mind, there is a ever ready fiery burning magma raging to burst forth. And the target of my rage is my immediate family; mom and sister. Somehow, is it because I know they will love no matter what, my temper is uncontrolable? Not that there is any physical violence, but verbal outbursts that are rude and crude.

I tried..oh hell I tried to control..but somehow the path of habit runs too deep to be diverted. Can't seem to rein it in. It causes me deep distress and pain after the rages subsided, and I always find I could have responded in another way, a gentler way, a way that naturally happen with others, but there seems to be a more powerful Mr Hyde in me when I am with my family.

Then I had cancer...

I am glad to say I have become more mellow. If before I want things to be done my way, I have learnt to let go. Let it be. Let it flow. Leave it. Most of all I can see it coming and have been more alert to let it be. Let it pass.

The past week's hospital stay also gave me pause and reflect on the lessons I have learnt this past year, and how I should be moving forward from now.

If cancer didn't come, I don't think I will be able to reach this self aware stage. I am sure I would become more brash and crude because I was confident that my consultancy practices would have been at its height in 2005. My early 2005 diary was filled with overseas engagements with vast opportunities.

If cancer is the price I have pay so that my mom and sister sees another side of me, believe or not...I say it's worth it. If I die now, I will be so glad they are able to see the final image of me as someone in control of his temper. Someone who is calm and capable of controlling himself. Someone at peace with himself.

Flitting Angels caring for me...

I believe that you have to hire right the first time. No point having to train someone if the heart is not in the right place. I have seen square pegs in round holes being "trained". Training is to enhance what is already there and not to transplant what were not available and never will.

Why this observation?

NCI Cancer Hospital has struck the right formula in hiring staffers who seemed to gel into a team that genuinely cares for cancer patients with their special needs. It comes from the heart and that can't be faked.

During my stay, I was given the best care with the most tender touch. I kind of missed that now that I am home...haha. From the doctors to the janitors, the people were exceptionally emphathatic and concerned.

I want to thank all the nurses who were ever ready to rush to my aid whenever I rang the nurses' bell. They talked with me, joked and generally had a good time during my care. I felt like I was being cared for like a family member especially when they mixed meticulously the Enercal drink to the precise specs I have given them!

I told Dr Kana about this and he said maybe they knew I am THE blogger who reports on everything; so everyone is on alert & extra nice around me...hahaha ;)

Anyway, I hope they continue to have staffers who have the perfect fit in the things they do.

Thanks again. Salam Mesra!

12 March 2005

Tests confirmed cancer cells in the pericardium effusion on 3rd March 2005. But only after a biopsis on a nodule in my right lung, my official diagnosis was dated 12 March 2005. So I am still alive and kicking after that official one year; barely after that Thursday! I made it past the one year.

Let me quote from the fact sheet of the American Lung Cancer Association:
About 6 out of 10 people with lung cancer die within 1 year of being diagnosed with the disease. Between 7 and 8 will die within 2 years. The expected 5-year survival rate for all patients in whom lung cancer is diagnosed is 15 percent compared to 63 percent for colon, 88 percent for breast and 99 percent for prostate cancer.

The 5-year survival rate is 49 percent for cases detected when the disease is still localised. However, only 16 percent of lung cancer cases are diagnosed at an early stage. For metasized tumors like mine the 5-year survival rate is just over 2 percent.

I can only say everyday is a sweet sweet sweet Bonus Day!

Post-Friday 10 March

...continues...

I made slow painful recovery after admission in NCI. But recover I did. It was difficult at first; immobilised with a IV drip on my right hand and oxygen mask. A few days after, the oxygen is off and so has the drip.

The mere act of sitting upright gives some pause as I tried to maneuver to a position that is the least painful and breathless-inducing. Usually the automated bed and the nurses will help me. After sitting upright, I became lethargic & breathless with pain at the back of my neck, and had to wait for awhile before attempting to get out of bed to walk. I walked at the balcony to soak up the sun which I hadn't seen for a few months. My skin and sun met for the first time after a loooog time....

I still depend on the nurses of the urinal. Had bowel movement on the bed which I don't think anyone likes! I tried to go to the toilet to do my open my bowels rather than doing in on a commode pot on the bed. I was shy of having the nurses wipe my ass... :P

I didn't know when I can be back home. But day by day I did become stronger. I had good appetite and the NCI's cafe chefs were ever obliging in preparing the food I want. I ate and ate and broke all the earlier self-imposed food taboos; meat, fat, sugar-laden food...I just poured them in. I am just 39 kg and if the cancer cells loved those food, so be it.

I just let the food flow in and I supplemented them with specialised liquid nutrition like Enercal Plus and Pulmocare. So I had constant discussion, sms and phone calls with the cafe's boss to discuss the day's meals and he really tried his best to accomodate. Terima Kasih, En. Nasir.

So decide to stay on till Friday 17 March. There are several reasons for this. First is it is best I recover enough to go home in case breathlessness comes back; 2nd I loved the service by NCI staffers, 3rd is I don't want to burden my mom if I were to go home in a very dependent stage. Whatever financial costs incurred are very well worth it. I like the 5-star treatment most of the time because I was usually the only stay-in patient! :)

So Friday 17 March came. I was strong enough to take a shower on my own! What a triumph compared to the week before! I was also not breathless! I was so proud of myself.

Breathless

9 Mar Thursday afternoon
Went to the bathroom, came back to bed with growing breathelessness. Called Dr Selva to report. NCI tried to arrange ambulance, but ambulance can only come an hour later. Tried to arrange in Seremban.

A series of errors and misjudgements ended us up with the ambulance of the Seremban General Hospital. I wanted to go directly to NCI but the ambulance had to send me to the Seremban GH for admission before they can transfer me to NCI.

Admitted to Sban GH. Doctors tried to stabilise me. OK. Breathlessness subsided. Tried to get independent ambulances to send me directly to NCI but not one ambulance was available. I really don't like the idea of spending a night admitted to the 3rd class ward of a public hospital. I have taken care of my dad several times in this ward and it is not a cheerful place at all...

9 Mar Thursday night
After spending sometime at the emergency centre, they wheeled me into the 3rd ward; citing that this is procedure; I had to be admitted before they can transfer me. And there is no independent ambulance available. I was thinking I should have waited for the NCI one-hour wait for ambulance or just hop into our own car.

Anyway, was admitted into the 3rd class ward. That's another blog by itself.

9 Mar Thursday night and 10 Mar Friday early morning
Doctors came, took tests, diagnoses me. The senior medical officer said he can't transfer me at my current condition; breathless, low oxygen in blood, low blood pressure & generally all system not stable. He has an ethical responsibility to stabilise me before handing me over to NCI. So I have to stay overnight. I thought that's very noble, but heck I want to be in NCI now!!!

Thru the night I had several episode of horrid breathlessness. You better believe when people say u can go without food or drinks for several days, but without air for mere seconds???? I felt like there is a concrete wall blocking my access to air. Some invisible hand pressing on my nostrils.

It was so bad that at one time I looked out the window of the 7th floor ward and contemplated jumping to end this misery.

The breathelessness came and go periodically. Can't fully describe the desperate situation.

Doctors came. They wanted to do more tests and one x-ray. I said NO!!! what's the point. we all know what I am having. All my records are with NCI anyway. Doctors were sympathetic and promised I will be transferred as soon as my condition stabilises.

10 Mar Friday morning
Daybreak came. I greet the morning with relief. Oh, let me out of here! I want to go to NCI!! They are waiting for me!!!

The doctor said I am ready to go. He made calls to NCI. Can't seem to reach them. They need NCI firm consent to transfer me before they can arrange for an ambulance. A doctor I know when when I was first diagnosed with cancer at the Sban GH came to my aid. He uses his own handphone to try make contact with NCI doctors.

10 Mar Friday noon
Finally,contact made between NCI and GH! Ambulance arranged. Wheeled out past noon.

10 Mar Friday afternoon
Reached NCI around 3pm. Dr Selva was waiting. Wheeled into ward. Dr Kana and Dr Ben were there. Battery of tests and relieve methods was administered. Not sure what are causing the breathlessness. On oxygen mask and drip. A flurry of activities in my room.

Dr Selva advised my sister to prepare for any eventualities...

One by one possible causes eliminated. I am so glad it was not pericardium effusion. Finally Dr Selva conceded it could be a series of causes building on each other. The chemo may have loosen some tumours and causing them to float in my lungs with periodic breathelessness. And my earlier instability has also weaken me...

10 Mar Friday evening
Situation stabilises. I didnt had a drink or food since Thursday afternoon. Lips felt dry like farmland in drought; dry, sharp, cracking and flaking.

...to be continued...

Jangan betulkan TV anda

I am back. Will blog more tomorrow. Need rest now.
Thanks to all who had me in their thoughts...

Siaran Tergendala

I was hospitalized since last Thursday due to my breathlessness. That explains my silence recently. However, I'm glad to say that I'm recuperating well in NCI hospital. Sure hope I can get back in action as soon as possible :)

Meanwhile, may you be well and happy!


(This message is published with the help of my blog custodian as I have no access to the internet right now)

Mrs. Superman is dead

Dana Reeve, the wife of Christopher Reeve the actor of Superman movies, passed away yesterday from lung cancer. She was diagnosed with the cancer last August which is just 10 months after her husband passed away from his paralysis.

Many alternative medicine practioners cautioned that lung cancer arises from negative emotions especially stress. I can imagine the stress Dana went thru her care for her husband.

Their struggle to cope with Christopher's paralysis and setting up a foundation to address his paralysis is a heroic one.

May they be well and happy now whenever they are now.

...ultimately...

Yesterday I blogged about my chemo sessions and how I did not suffer any side effects so far. But the ultimate test of a therapy's success is not how well you escaped from its side effects, but whether you have benefited from the full effects!

So how did I respond to the chemo? Did my breathelessness abated? Any pain subsided?

The jury is still out, I say. Last evening I was able to go to the bathroom with only slight breathelessness, but not this morning; breathelessness is still discernible. Pain and weakness on my legs is still there; probably because of the long immobility.

I also did not sleep well last night; most probably because of the steroid I have to take. Steroids usually have that effect on me.

Comments enabled

You may have noticed I have enabled the comments function for my blog. This means anyone can add comments to the blogs.

I have disabled this function early in my blogging "career" when someone signing off as "kingscout" left some nasty comments about me when I mentioned that I didn't appreciate enough my mom and sister.

I have an inkling of who this "kingscout" is because there are not many of the people I know who would thought of this signature.

No matter. I have gone thru enough to be bothered with some imprudent comments. So please leave your comments. I will moderate lightly, only if the comments are immensely disturbing. Otherwise, leave your comments at will.. :)

A stroll in the park...with shoes off...

Monday 6 March
The first day of my chemo sessions. Two combination; Etoposide and Cisplatin. Cisplatin need lots of saline intraveneously (IV). This is to flush out the cisplatin when it is administered and before. So lots saline were IVed, I think 3 litres. The doctors expected me to extract all these fluid with urination but it didnt happen. I also did not take this "extraction" seriously.

Then it happened.

I suffered mega breathlessness after a slight exertion from my bed. The doctors scrambled to get me to urinate to relieve the fluid's pressure on my lungs and heart; which they say is the cause of my breathlessness. They were cool and were confident that my breathlessness will go away. I was panicky and wondered how long this choking breathlessness will go away.

I started to urinate and indeed the breathlessness tapered off. The extra fluid were putting a pressure on my lungs and heart. I was also on oxygen and nebulizzer to relieve the congestion. After a torturous 1 hour my breathing resumed to normal.

The doctors decided there will be a change in plans for that day. I will only get the Etoposide chemo and not Cisplatin.

After given 3 injections to ameliorate side effects of chemo such as nausea. The Etoposide were injected and started to course thru my body around 6pm. It went well. In the end I did not get any of the sideeffects I was afraid off.

Slept with some minor coughing bouts.

Tuesday 7 March
Woke up with rashes on my back after sleeping with a wet shirt. I was put on some lighted heating device to relieve the rashes. The doctors decided to give me also only Etoposide for today and decide on the other combination later. Most probably they will take Cisplatin off, and give be Carboplatin which does not need saline flushing. But for today only Etoposide. Again I took it well. No problem, hardly noticed the 2 hours passing.

Wednesday 8 March
Woke up again with rashes again. Slight pain on the skin, again put on the heating device. Today I am put on Etoposide and Carboplatin. Again, no problem. Smooth sailing.

This is it. A summary of my short chemo adventure. A stroll in the park actually, but with the shoes off so I have to look out for some possible mishaps, just like strolling in a park barefooted with the probable encounter with jagged stones or dog poo...haha ;)

The doctors prescribed my with steroid and anti nausea pills for use when I am home. Will see Dr Kana this Friday to see how I am coping. Next sessions will be in 3 weeks time the same with 3 injections of 3 days each, followed by a final session 3 weeks after the 2nd one.

Again, I thank all who have emailed and contacted with words of encourement! Tomorrow I will blog more with deeper insights.

Bye, see you.

Spiritual Solace

Yesterday morning friends from MBCS came to finalise my funeral arrangments. We also had a short puja session. I have decided on a sea scattering ceremony for my ashes. I have abandoned the wild idea of putting it under a tree or flower pot because it may be too morbid for my family. :)

Today Bro. Lim to pass me a book on Amitabha Buddha, and we discuss in length about it. He left me with the advise to let go during the chemo session.

Mishap

Yesterday I had horrid mishap. In the afternoon my mom has prepared a herbal tea for me. I was did not take it immediately but was resting. The herb turned out to be icy cold when I tried to take it. Although I should have asked my mom to re-heat it, I thought it should be ok and do not want to inconvenience her.

I threw up immediately after drinking the herb. I threw up both my lunch plus the herb. What followed was worse; it seems like someone was tickling & teasing my throat. For a few hours after that, I was having wrecking dry cough that seems to tear my throat apart. It just went on and on. The cough aggravated the pain I already had at lower right abdomen and lower right back. Can't talk because of it causes my throat to itch and cough. This marathon coughing left me so very exhausted.

My sister was away so she asked one of her best friend to come & look after me. Mariam is a staff nurse and she came to comfort me.

The coughing subsided after like 5-6 hours.

As in May, I discovered the soothing human touch. Mariam and my mom held my hands this gesture brings great comfort. Of course, the cancer voodoo notion comes and I told them I don't want to live like this. I am just being a little bit of manja there...haha. Anyway, I kept reminding myself that this is just cough, bad as it is.

One level

While staggering from my attached bathroom, I realised how lucky I am to be able to live in a single storey house with level floor. Blessings that my uncle decided to purchase this house in late 2004.

The most ubiquituos form of housing in Malaysia are double storey terrace houses. The living area and kitchen are downstairs, together with a tiny room which acts as the storeroom or servant's room. The proper bedrooms are upstairs. Quite a neat arrangement where the private quarters are upstairs separated from the somewhat public area downstairs.

In our previous double storey family house, it is only when my grandma and father were ill do we realise this is an arrangement-from-hell for a family with frail family members who have no strength to climb stairs. So luckily we are able to move them to my sister's house which has 2 rooms downstairs, and managed to modify another room for the frail.

I have seen people who had stroke or paralysed living in these double storey houses, and what an unpleasant arrangement. Worse if the floor area are raised to separate the dining and living areas for aesthetic reasons. This is unnoticable or even welcomed by the healthy but for the ailing & their caretakers, it's a major obstacle course.

Single storey houses would be in great demand when the Malaysian population ages and the current up-and-coming or even middle age generations realise that their knee joints may not be able to propel them up to their bedrooms...

Overgrown baby

The breathelessness has grown so bad I could not bath on my own without panting at the end of it. So here I am, a grown man of nearly 40, had to be bathed by my mom. Uh-huh, definitely not a pretty sight! I told my mom what ironic; at an age when I should be pampering her, she is the one who has to take care of me...again; my very basic needs; bathing, washing even powdering!

Ya, when my dad passed away last February after a long lingering illness of which the primary caretakers were my mom and sister, I told my mom and sis that year (2005) I will send them for holidays and to enjoy the good times. We all know how the year 2005 turned out to be...

Thank you

Thanks to friends who emailed and contacted me in support of my coming adventure with chemo. I shall carry your good wishes in my heart. Thank you.

Fast Forward

I have decided to move my chemo session to next Monday 6 March rather than next Thursday. I am tired of the immobility due to the breathlessness.

These few days I have been trying to do one thing; preparing for the chemo. This includes taking Cacare's chemo tea which claims to ameliorate the effects of chemo. A friend told me about the ease his late father who took the tea handled chemo.

I have also been trying to eat right and add some bulk to my body. I am only 39kg now; a real featherweight.

Other than that, the bed is again the centre of my universe as it was in May 2005. The breathlessness is really debilitating; a mere few paces to bathroom renders me breathless and panting. Can't even walk outside before feeling like I have ran up a mountain with a wild boar chasing after me!

Getting up from the bed is also a chore because of the ache at the neck. I have to think to how best place my body and head to pull up with minimum pain and effort. A surprise is a new weakness appeared on my left hand; there are days when I can't lift that hand up beyond shoulder level.

I have a new "ripple" mattress which is supposed to prevent bed sores. My tailbone down the spine are just skin and bones, and the skin is beginning to get abrasive because of my extensive lying around.

Other than that, I am fine...haha! :)