Tired

Yesterday I was hit with fatigue. Not sure why but want to stay in bed most of the time.

Today Mdm Wee gave me some medication for de-toxification. She warned me I would be tired most of the time. Yup, more tired than yesterday; was in bed and felt like a vegetable. The de-tox process supposed to last for 3 days till Sunday. So I have to ask some friends to cancel their plans to visit me, no point for them to come and just stare at a sleeping beauty me. :)

Let's see how the de-tox process will produce. Will be reporting on Sunday...

Sore throat...thy begone!!!

Yesterday's sore throat was bad. Early in the morning, I took half an hour just to swallow a mug of water; the pain was excruciating. This is one of those times when my confidence goes down; remembered Dr Selva's warning that the pain could last for 2 weeks because of radiation burn to my throat and esophagus, which is in the firing line of the thorax and C6 radiotherapy.

So I re-read another of my favourite book; "9 steps for reversing or preventing cancer & other diseases" by Shivani Goodman. Thanks again to Kian Foh for the book.

I practiced the exercises in Step Four:Daily Healing and Step Five:Calling the doctor within. Step Four asks us to relax, breathe in an visualised healing light to fill our body, and to concentrate the healing light on the areas we want to heal. Step Five has an exercise to relieve pain with "liquid love".

As the day goes by, the pain subsided. Today the pain has lessened considerably and I am confident it will go away in a few days time.

Mom is home!

Mom was discharged awhile ago and now she is back home :)

The Brotherhood

The Gerson Therapy which I am keen to follow recommended a US-made juicer called Norwalk Juicer. I ordered one and it was delivered to Malaysia. At the KLIA, the Malaysian customs wanted to charge a nearly 50% tax (!!!) on this juicer because they thought that it is for commercial use.

So last Friday, I engaged the help of Mr Lee Kiyau Loo to talk to the head of the Customs at KLIA. Being a former civil servant, he would know how to talk to the Customs. So armed with a letter from Dr Selva and the Gerson Therapy book, Mr Lee and my sis went to the cargo sector of KLIA, to explain that the juicer is to be used as part of therapy for a poor cancer patient ;)

The head of Customs turned out to be a hard nut to crack. He is not convinced even with the doctor's letter. He insisted that the expensive juicer (nearly 10x the price of a normal juicer) is for commercial use. He said the Customs' code for medical use just cannot accomodate a juicer. No matter what Mr Lee and Vivien said, he is adamant that such juicer must be intended for commercial use, so the full force of the tax must be applied.

Just when things look bleak, the Customs Head asked Mr Lee who is he. He must have suspected that Mr Lee is a businessman wanting to get a tax-free commercial juicer. Mr Lee explained he is a pensioner and showed him his pensioner card. Mr Custom Head's demeanor changed immediately. He became sympathetic and agreed to let the juicer go tax-free; because Mr Lee is an ex-civil servant so his word is believable! Such is the brotherhood of civil servants..haha!

Thanks, Mr Lee, for giving time for this! Thanks also to Simon (aka Wonga) for mobilising his customs friends a few hours later; I forgot to tell him I already got the juicer out.. :)

Quackery

Quackery - The practice of fraudulent medicine, usually in order to make money or for ego gratification and power. Those who practise quackery are called "quacks" and are in the business of selling false hope to ill-informed people who may be genuinely suffering. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quackery)

During the quest for cancer treatment, you will come across a lot of suggestions and alternative therapies. You really have to vet carefully the treatment and diet your well-meaning friends and relatives will suggest. Some may have worked for certain people or cancer, and some are downright suspicious-sounding.

I have an open mind to most suggestions, my operating premise is to be conservative. For example, my homeopath presribed some medication to get rid of parasites. Well, as long as it does not compromise my health; the medication has no side effects and won't conflict with my herbs, I will go with it. If there are really parasites, then fine; if not, well, no harm is done except for the time and expenses...but its a small price to pay for an adventure :)

I found a website where it describes many alternative anti-cancer therapies. Actually, in the uncompromising view of the webmaster, all alternatives to the conventional cancer therapy (surgery, chemo and radiotherapy) are quackery! Anyway, it is a good place to start but eventually, you will need to use your wisdom in accepting the views. The website is at
http://www.quackwatch.org/00AboutQuackwatch/altseek.html

An adventure

There is one book which I find very useful and inspiring in my quest to regain my health. It is entitled "You can conquer cancer" by Dr Ian Gawler. It has been reprinted 16 times. Thanks to Kian Foh for getting me this book.

Ian has his right leg amputated with bone cancer when he was 25 years old in 1975. The cancer reappeared again and his doctor gave him 2 weeks to live. He went on to recover and founded the Melbourne Cancer Support Group. He also set up The Gawler Foundation to help cancer patients recover (www.gawler.org).

I would like to share verbatim some paragraphs from his book where he described the mindset both he and his wife used to overcome his cancerous condition (page 4):

"When my cancer had recurred and the situation looked hopeless from the medical viewpoint, Grace and I remained confident that there was another way. Already we had been introduced to the idea that cancer involved a state of immune deficiency. To explain: it is known that throughout the lifetime of every healthy person, cancerous cells develop in their body. This is a medically accepted fact. It also is accepted that the body normally recognises these abnormal cells as a potential threat to its health and acts quickly to isolate and destroy them. It does so before any physical symptoms become apparent. However, in cancer patients, this does not happen and the growths continue unopposed. The body offers no resistance and symptoms of cancer the result.

So we began with the attitude that it was possible to re-stimulate the body's natural defences - in particular, the immune system. This being so, it followed that the body itself could destroy and remove all trace of the cancer. As an extension, if the immune system remained intact and functioning properly, there should be no worry about the cancer reappearing anywhere else. An exciting prospect!

The attitude was our starting point,our basic premise. All we did was directed towards the end. So, while we explored so many avenues of treatment, we felt it all part of the process of finding the right balance for me. What I am now able to do is recognise the basic ingredients in our success and at the same time give my impressons of all the other treatment we tried.

Approached in this light, cancer becomes something of an adventure. It becomes a growing, learning experience.

This attitude of adventure, growing and learning through cancer, is so different to the fears that normally surround the word. Probably no other word strikes as much emotional fear in the community today as does cancer."

Hmmm...I named my blog as amazing adventure before reading those paragraphs. Looks like I got the basic premise right ;)

Borders

The biggest Borders bookstore in the world opens in KL last Sunday. Boy, I look forward to the day when I can browse to my heart's content there!

Visit

Just at the doctors warned, sore throat is here. Painful swallowing so on juicing now. Some friends have asked if they come to visit. They say they will do all the talking if I am unable to speak :) Ummm...people, we will end up in silence because one way monologue just won't work! So let's see how fast I can recover from this sore throat. Watch this space. :)

Almost paradise

These few days I wake up feeling like I am normal. The radiotherapy really works on relieving pain for bone metastasis. The neck pain is hardly detectable and am able to bath on my own. Previously someone has to wash my hair with towel because I can't bend my neck without feeling painful. The incision site of the chest is still numb but the pain is subsiding even when I cough. As the day goes by, the discomfort return and the occasional coughing bout is still violent, but I am thankful for the few moments of normalcy ;)

The Art of Diagnosis

My friends and I shared our experience with doctors. Of course, there are many examples of good doctors giving accurate diagnosis, but we also talk about inaccurate diagnosis that lose time for the patient.

A friend of mine only got a cancer diagnosis for his dad after 6 months of seeing various doctors. Most of the doctors said his father only got "wind" and has got nothing to worry about.
He only got the diagnosis after I friend insisted on a barium test, and the doctor was so scared to meet him after the positive test because for 6 months he has been telling the "wind" diagnosis.

Another friend has various opinion from different doctor for his non-cancerous ailment. He was pushed around to various doctors. One doctor even challenged my friend to decide which doctor he want to listen to!

In my case, the December CT scan in Argentina has revealed nodes in my lung but no one was suspicious of it. Only Dr A was concerned. My 2nd Ct scan in seremban GH revealed the same thing, and only after my cancer diagnosis from the pericardial fluid they able to link the node with cancerous condition. They also didnt notice it on my Argentinian scan, I have to tell them it is already there in December!

Doctors

I have met many doctors since my symptom first appeared in December. I would now like to share my impression of the doctors..some names are disguised to protect the guilty and innocent ;)

Doctors at Hahnemann Hospital, Buenos Aires: The doctors all acted very professionally and good thing all of them can speak English well. They have great symphathy for this foreigner who can't speak Spanish. All of them were intrigued about my pericardium effusion, and suggested this is a one-off infection and I don't have to worry too much about it.

Dr R: After returning to Malaysia, I saw a respiratory specialist in a private hospital. He strongly suspected that I have TB and wanted to put me on TB medication even before any test were conclusive. He said TB has come back in a big way in Malaysia; he said when my condition appears, it is best to think "1st TB, 2nd TB and 3rd TB, before suspecting other ailment". I was quite partial to this suggestion until I found out about the side effects of TB medication from the net. I was quite uncomfortable about his urgent desire to put me on TB medication. Looking back, how I wish what I have was "only" TB!

But he has been very helpful. When the 2nd episode of pericardial effusion happen, he wrote a referal to Seremban GH, and arranged to have Prof Richard of IMU to see me.

Dr S: My regular ayurvedic doctor also is suspicious about the diagnosis that I have TB after checking me. He advised me to wait for the tests results before taking on TB medication, he suspected that it was just a one-off chest infection and gave me some Ayurvedic medication. Cancer was not in his radar. My faith in Ayurvedic medicine is diminised now.

Dr A: Got a 2nd opinion from another respiratory specialist from another private hospital. A distinguished looking senior gentleman, he agree with the possible TB diagnosis. He was also very worried about the nodules shown in my Argentina CT scan. He asked me to do another CT scan.

Dr Sree: My lead doctor in the Seremban GH. A jovial guy who cares very much for his patients. For two weeks, he came nearly everyday to tap my pericardial effusion. The only time he was without a smile was when my result of the test came back to show my cancerous condition. I told him when a jovial guy like him become serious, someone is in deep shit...

Prof Richard: A lecturer at the International Medical University, which is attached to the Seremban Hospital. He is a very gentle doctor who advised me initially before the cancer diagnosis, and later also gently about my cancerous condition.

Dr G: The doctor who tried to do tapping for my pericardial effusion. He did a horrible job. He said there will only be slight pain and told me to tahan. Remembering the gentle local anesthetic tapping done in Argentina, I agreed. I was screaming with pain as he tried to push the catheter from my chest into the pericardium with only local anesthetic. I sweated buckets as two people have to hold me down.

He seems to be unsure of what he is doing; kept on asking the echo technician where he should be pushing the catheter, and was himself shocked about the hemorrhage of the fluid. After the failed tapping, I told all the nurses and doctors not to let Dr G touch me again! I did not see him after that. Someone told me later this doctor's procedure is hopeless.

Dr Sj: A houseman who looked after me in the Seremban GH. A kind young chap who could not bring himself to tell about the cancer diagnosis. He lets his medical officer to do that, who didnt do a good job either.

Dr J: The doctor who told me about my cancer diagnosis. He came in with Dr Sj, look at my file and announced;"They found malignant cell in the effusion. Could come from other place. I will talk with Dr Sree." That's it. That is how I first heard about my condition. That time I haven't connect "malignant" with cancer. It was only after he left, and Dr Sj came in again, I asked Dr Sj what it really meant. I guess some doctors are too busy to break the news gently and ensure the patient really understand what they meant?

Dr L: A houseman who casually flipped thru my file and then asked me what I have. I told her I got cancer. She looked at me from the top of her glasses and said "oh". I think doctors should read their patients' file carefully and know what their patient have!

Dr LC: A kindly medical officer who took time to explain in detail the side effects of TB medication I was on for 9 days. He is a very patient doctor with excellent bedside manners. He also told me dianosis is more of an art; after I told him about the various hit and miss of my diagnosis.

Dr N: In Dr Ezani's team, Dr Ezani is my lead surgeon in IJN. Dr N never smiled at me in all the time I was under his care. Once, as if to give excuse for his demeanor, he said he has been up all night, and he has clinical for the whole day. He didnt look at me while telling me about my condition. But as he turned to the other bed where there is a pretty caregiver...amboi..bukan main lagi sengih die (wow, lookit his grin)!!! :P I asked a nurse later about Dr N's different demeanor for me and the girl, and she said yeah that's him! ;)

Dr Gum: I noticed there a lot of young doctors at IJN. There is this one very good looking doctor. He seems to be a senior doctor because he usually walks the ward with an equally sharply dressed and good looking entourage of junior doctors. All of them looked like they are ready for fine dining in Bangsar.

I saw Dr Gum twice chewing gum while talking to patients. Huh, absolutely rude and obnoxious. Please act cool elsewhere! Good thing he wasn't my doctor, I would have told him off.

Dr C: The first oncologist I met. He was very upset that I am contemplating not to take radio or chemotherapy. He was also very dismissive of my knowledge about cancer treatment, and equally contempteuos about my herbal therapy. He talked as if the radiotherapy is a walk in the park with sore throat as the only side effect. He then suggested a pill if I don't want to take on radio or chemo, without telling me the serious implication as what Dr Kana & Dr Selva of NCI told me. It is only after meeting the NCI doctors that I realised the slip shod manner Dr C has advised me.

Dr Kana and Dr Selva: I have described their demeanor in a previous blog. I give them A+ for their advise :)

Mom

Mom is still in the hospital. Her x-ray show possible kidney stone or fibroid. The surgical doctors will take over to look at her, so we have to wait for their recommendation.

One thing I find frustrating in Seremban General Hospital is the extreme secrecy on the patients' medical records. Neither the patient nor family members are allowed to read the records. I read mine only when they forgot to keep it away and left it on my bedtray. As the doctors only come outside visiting hours, we have to get the news from nurses who are sometimes too busy to talk to us. So we have to use other means to know the contents of the medical reports. Why the secrecy???

My sis came back today after visiting and said mom can be discharged anytime. She will be given an appointment later for ultrasound to determine her condition. Come back quick, mom! :)

Radiotherapy V

So it's done.

The technicians told me not to apply soap on the targetted areas for 3 weeks; the skin might peel off..urhg!

Dr Selva cautioned me about possible sore throat in the coming week. Well, it's visualisation time again! Plus lots of cooling liquid. Asked Ah Keng and Mr Wong to get fresh coconuts. We discussed about the next course of action. He's giving me 2 weeks to recuperate from the radiotherapy. Come back after to take the pills to arrest the bone metastasis. The steroid will be gradually reduced and finally off it.

Comments

I have altered the "Comments" settings of my blog so anyone can leave a comment, no need to register :)

How do I feel now?

The pain on the neck and shoulders has lessened considerably. The pain relief is instant after each radiotherapy session. Stiffness usually comes back towards the evening. Relief comes by sitting or lying with support to the back.

Coughing comes once in a while, depending on the position of my sitting. Sometimes it comes after talking for awhile, especially when friends visit. But hey...don't let this stop you from visiting , ok...u guys can talk!

Pain comes mainly from the incision spot of the pericardium operation at IJN. The chest area feels numb but at the same time slightly painful to the touch, sometimes even the soft touch of the shirt on my body triggers pain so I have to lift my shirt off the incision point. Pain is more pronounced when I cough but its tolerable.Until now, my pulse is still in the 3 digits, not sure why, I will call Dr Ezani about this.

I have disturbed sleep because of night sweat. The sweat is at the back of my body, so I wake up drenched and have to change shirt 3 or 4 times a night.

Homeopathy

Went to see a Homeopath yesterday. Mdm Wee's diagnosis is same as the live blood analysis; lots of parasites in my body, seems like my body is like a watering hole during summer in the savana! So she put me on a de-parasiting medication for a week, then to go on to deal with the cancer cells after. She also gave some advise on family spiritual healing because my family seems to deal with continuous crisis recently. She also gave spiritual energy healing during the consultation.

Super Sis

My sis the Superwoman again rallied her inner strength to deal with two patients in the family; one in her home and one in the hospital. She coordinated the logistics and human resources in the family to deal with this new challenge. I really admire her strength and wonder where her super power comes from...

Radiotherapy IV

Included Merry Melodies opening tune into the visualisation.. :)
Hej, Chee Yee, I know you would love this! ;)

Mom's coming home tomorrow

The test showed Mom has urinary infection. She is recovering, on antibiotics and doctors said she is fit to be discharged tomorrow... :)

A healthy body wins over cancer cells

Heng Kooi Tick came today; my UPM coursemate. He told me something he heard over the radio yesterday. The mandarin radio had an interview with a prominent Taiwanese cancer researcher. He said it is impossible to kill cancer cells. Cancer cells are part of us. They don't really want to do harm to us; they mutate not on they own will. It is best to treat them with understanding. Cancer cells appear all the time in our body, but a healthy immune system manage to remove them from the body. Try to outbalance the number of good cells over the cancer cells.

I am sure the researcher said it with more scientific basis; this is just 3rd hand info from Kooi Tick ;) But I think the essence of his explanation is that bringing our body to a healthy level will ensure cancer cells won't multiply beyond control.

Radiotherapy III

I did the usual mental preparation and decided to have some fun yesterday. I visualised each time the radiation shoot into my thorax and C6, the cancer cells are liberated from my body. They burst out of my body and goes "wheeeee..!!!" as they are liberated into the outside air, flying around and escaping upwards from the roof of the treatment room to the atmosphere. They were so delighted to get out of my body! I was smiling as I lay on the treatment bed when I visualise this Looney Toons scenario...next time I will put in the musical sound effect...haha! :)

When the treatment was done, as I move to our car, I could just see the cancer cells smiling and waving goodbye to me as they hover above the roof of the hospital. I didn't wave back, I just smiled at them and wish them good luck in their next existence. :)

Pain relief was instant, but got bad bout of coughing in the car. Anyway, it's was fun to imagine the liberation scene!

Mom

Mom is getting better,although the test result is still not out yet. Hopefully it will be out by today. Mom's appetite was better yesterday, she has a craving for for pucuk Ubi goreng udang kering (Fan shuei yip chau har mai). So my sis made it for her. We wanted to move her to the 1st class ward, but she prefers to stay in the common ward because she made some friends there.

Mom's better

Mom is stable. She is not having her bouts of chills anymore. But still remains in the hospital. Nieces and Jum are taking turns to watch over her.

My cousin Ah Tee and family came to visit us. Thanks for the Dhamma books and encouragement.

ACSOSA friends whom I have not seen for nearly 20 years came; Tan Kian Ping and Leong Weng Keong. Chung Kam Wah talked to me over Tan's phone. Tan shared his parents experience with Dr Chris Teo's herbs and encouraged me to stay on the herbal course. It is really inspiring to hear how the herbs helped to prolong the life of Tan's dad.

Alvin, Cheah, Dr Foo and Fook Yeow came too. Alvin bought surprising news that his mom is a homeopathy doctor. This coincide so well with suggestion from Ratna my friend from India. Ratna's cousin is a homepathy doctor and has suggested a medication. Will meet Alvin's mom tomorrow.

Thanks to Kian Foh for bringing mails (bills!) from my PJ home.

I feel better today. Less pain. Did Qi Qung.

Wait

Mom is feeling better but the short bouts of chills is still coming back. Doctor suspected viral fever. The test to determine whether its urinary infection is not back yet. The bouts usually comes in the afternoon, so we better watch out for that.

Last night Mr Wong, his sister, Mr Lim and BT came to give support to our family. Mr Wong as usual prepared food for us. Mr Lim bought Nariwa Water, Noni juice and information about Medicine Buddha.

This morning 2 hot babes came; Christa and Leela :) My friends since our swashbuckling days at the Malaysian Nature Society back in the early 90s...oops...did I let out the secret of our age? ;) Thanks, gals...yes, I will send you the shopping list!

Tan Bee Leng came with 2 dhamma CDs, thanks, Barbarian...haha :))
Mr Wong came with my lunch, and my sis insisted that Leela, Christa and Bee Leng try my anti-cancer diet. I am sure they enjoyed it ;)

My relatives came from Melaka and had a shock that my mom is in the hospital...so off they go to visit her. Ms Ho of SK came with the latest issue of Cosmic.

Thanks to all your your amazing support...

Hope you get over this, Mom

My mom is warded again. The chills came back. Whatever's infecting her is not impressed with Panadol. I really hope the doctors can identify what's the infection is and give her proper medication.

I feel so helpless...

Radiotherapy II

The therapy session is as before; short and sweet. Only this time I was trying my best to hold back my cough. Usually happens when I lie flat. I just let go my coughing as soon as the session ended; the longest 2 minutes I have experienced so far!

Consultation

Met Dr Kana. He discussed about my blood test and CT scan. He remarked that my blood test shows good results. The anomalies are the elevated white blood cells, this could be due to the infection on my right arm and the steroid I am taking. Calcium level is not high, so the leaching of calcium from the bone metastasis is not worrying yet. Some properties are elevated due possibly due to the bone metastasis and abnormal liver activities. But nothing to be worried about yet.

The CT scan shows possible pericardial effusion coming back (eek!). There is a little bit of pleural effusion on both lungs too. The CT scan shows clusters of nasty tumor on both lungs.He suggested I take on chemotherapy to arrest all these. He suggested a combination of chemo which is well tolerated by many people. But the decision is up to me, he says, after 10 days of rest after the radiotherapy.

Dr Kana remarked that I am coping well with my situation. He meant psychologically. He asked if I have passed the depression phase. I said yeah. Actually I was never depressed. I am more frustrated because I thought I would be earning good money this year with so many good projects coming online...haha :)

Show and tell them...

Yesterday was something else. My 1st radiotherapy session and my mom's hospitalisation. She made a remarkable recovery and looked good today. We had a mega fright yesterday when she was shivering violently; as if a giant took her body and shook her like a rag doll. Apparently this giant was conquered just by Panadol!

Watching my mom being wheeled away into the ambulance reminded me of the last I saw her in IJN. She was being wheeled into the operating theatre for her heart by-pass at IJN in early 2004. My feelings as she was wheeled inside was; did I do enough for her? Does she know how much I care? Will I see her again? What else should I have done? What should I have said?

Anything? Anything? Anything else?

Never wait for such moment to show your affection. Have you told your loved ones, your friends how much they meant to you? If you are not the "talking" type (like me), show him or her how much they meant to you...today...now.

Mom's discharged from hospital!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mom is now back home with us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :))))

Thunderstorm

I sat outside enjoying the display of lighting and thunderstorm. Incredible show of light and sound, could not remember the last time I enjoyed such power of nature. Rushed back indoors when the rain begin to pelt me.News from the hospital is encouraging. I really hope mom will pull thru this soonest. Talked with mom and she sounded well. My sis mentioned that mom overheard the nurse saying she can be discharged soon.

Radiotherapy I

Before they did the radiotherapy, they require a blood test. Urgh...I thought I have seen and felt the last of pokes! Anyway, I chanted silently and the blood taking procedure was painless. I thanked the nurse for her expertise :)

Two local lady technician and Mr Saravanan, another Indian national working at NCI, prepared me for the therapy. Again, they delicately maneuvered me into position. They doted over me for awhile.

The scanner moved around my thorax area to shoot radiation to my thorax (front), and later spin underneath me to shoot at the C6. That's it. 2 minutes. They reminded me to drink lots of water,and not to wet the thorax area with soap. My sis and Ah Keng (my bro-in-law) hardly managed to begin sipping their teh tarik when I met them at the NCI canteen.

I felt immediate relief after the therapy. The pain has lessened a lot.

Preparing for radiotherapy

I prepared myself mentally before the therapy. I visualised the Buddha besides me, with his usual serene self. He hovers over me all the time. He bathed me with bright lights. I breathe in the lights and fill up my insides with the healing lights. I visualise that all the cells in my body anticipating the therapy. I accept the radiotherapy as an ally in my treatment.

The good cells are eager to receive the radiotherapy; they are smiling and are ready to direct the radiation to the cancer cells. They would not be affected by the radiation.

The cancer cells are anticipating the radiation with tredipation. That's understandable,they are afraid they are going to be obligerated to oblivion. But they also knew they are suffering, and the radiation are going to send them to another existence, away from their suffering, and the suffering they are putting on the rest of the body. I assured them their suffering will end soon, I asked for their forgiveness for whatever action I have taken in this life or past lives that have initially traumatised them to become malignant. I also told them I forgive them for the suffering I am having now. There is no hatred in my thinking, but just understanding and hoping for the same understanding from them.

I felt very good as I strided into NCI Cancer Hospital. Dr Selva remarked I looked very good today! Dr Selva mentioned that there is nothing new in yesterday's CT scan. There are no surprises. In the morning, my sister met Dr Sree, my Seremban GH physician, who also mentioned that he is not surprised about the bone scan's result. When they found the C6 lesion in early March, it is anticipated that metastasis (spread beyond primary location) would have happened to the bone structure. They didnt share this view with us because there is no bone scan done, and also not to mentally overburden us. This sort of good news to me. At least I can think that the cancer has remained where they were before.

Mr Lim

Mr Lim came the night before the CT scan. He shared what he knew about the Gerson Therapy. He attended a seminar on this therapy some time ago. He also shared another anti-cancer therapy of Dr Chiu-Nan Lai who undertook cancer research for 10 years at Texas Cancer Centre. She has set-up an international network of cancer support, including in Singapore and Malaysia. We had a good discussion about the diet advocated by Gerson and Dr Lai.

Mr Lim helped me to spiritually and mentally prepare for the radiotherapy. He also lead Mr Wong's sister, Vivien and I to do Metta chanting. He bought a chant CD, a newsletter of Dr Lai's set-up and a Buddhist text on preparing for death and helping the dying. This may sound morbid, but for Buddhists, life and death are but a process to reach Nirvana. There is no life without death. If we accept life, we should be prepare to accept death.

Before leaving me, Mr Lim would encouraged me to do my best, but reminded me that everything happens with a reason. I knew what he meant, I assured him I am at peace. Death is but the beginning of something else, as a person of science and a Buddhist, death is just a change of energy phase.

Taking turns

My sister came back from the hospital. My mom is able to walk. Jum our maid who is mom's constant companion is now with her. My two nieces will go now to the hospital to relieve Jum. Jum will come back for rest and shower; and go back later to the hospital to accompany mom tonite. It is better for my sis to have proper rest at home. Oh mom....please get well soon!!!

Mom's recovering

My sister reported that mom is awake and feeling better. She is still in the observation ward. Result of the blood test is not out yet, but doctors suspect that she is having an infection. Chong of Soka Gakkai said his group will chant for my mom in their chanting session today, Connie rushed over to be with me when heard the news, and thanks to Emily for your prayers.

Please pray for my mom

A few minutes after I came back from my 1st radiotherapy treatment, my mom goes into chills. She cried that she is feeling so cold and her legs are aching. An ambulance took her to the Seremban Hospital. Just talked to my sister who is in the hospital with mom, and she said mom had fever yesterday but didn't tell anyone.

Please, all those who had so kindly prayed for me, I beg you to pray for my mom,Madam Gan Sum Heng, now. Please. Thank you.

It's tomorrow

If Dr Kana and Dr Selva were horrified at the result of the bone scan, they did not show it. They calmly told me that we stick to the plan; radiotherapy to C6. Allow me to rest for a few weeks, and to plan for next steps. They explained that there are some affected bone structure which do not need treatment immediately, and some which may need radiotherapy to prevent dire consequences. They also cautioned that too many radio is not good because it will "whack" my bone marrow. Dr Selva said there is no easy answer to my question; do we treat based on symptom (pain etc) or treat anyway for prevention.

Dr Kana also then suggested medication to stop the cancer from eating at my bones. He gave me 3 options and to tell him my decision. I like this, giving me the opportunity to choose. One pill we can just pop into the mouth, but may cause ulcer, one need to be injected and 4 hour of drip to wash it down the system, and one only need a lot of drinking water to wash it down. For someone who is already adverse to anymore pain and injection, I will take the the path of least resistance; the last option although its the most expensive.

They asked how am I feeling now after the last visit. I said I have lost 2kg since last week. They were quite downturned upon hearing this. But they are intriqued that I am still so energetic despite the havoc my body is suffering. I told them I woke up bright eyed and bushy tail today, and did Qi Qung for an hour. Dr Kana advised me to take it easy!

My right arm is again infected; a small bulge is shaping up near the one that healed. Dr Kana explained it may be due to the many drip pokes to that arm, rather than a consequence of malignancy in my body. He gave me the same antibiotics.

Did the CT scan today, they will review the result tomorrow, and the 1st radiotherapy session will be at 3pm tomorrow (14 April 2005). Dr Selva warned about some of the temporary side effects including sore throat and difficulty in swallowing.

I gave Dr Kana the url of this blog last week. Somehow even the receptionist has read my blog. She told my sister it is interesting reading and said, "So, you are the sister la!"

CT Scan

Mr Ganesh, an Indian national working at NCI Cancer Hospital, and 2 technicians prepared me for the CT scan. A nurse came to poke a line into me for the contrast drip. She actually nearly ran out of location to poke me; the right arm is infected, the vein at the left hand is swollen thanks to Uncle Johnny Bone Scan. So she poke me higher than usual on the left arm. I was grimacing when she did it. She asked if it was painful, I said nah..it's more of fear! :) She said don't la frighten her like that...

I had a hard time lying flat on the CT scan bed. It was too painful but the CT procedure need me to be flat. So Mr Ganesh has to delicately maneuver me into position. It took quite a while. This CT procedure include a "CT stimulation" where scale were drawn across my chest. This is to give the precise location for the thorax radiotherapy tomorrow. So I got instant medical tattoo across my chest. The scan then took 10 minutes. I then have great difficulty getting up. I was groaning in pain as I got up; aiyoh!

Mandi

Here's a confession. Today I took my first bath after my IJN surgery. Well, being fastidious on personal hygiene, I do clean myself everyday. Before today, my mom helped to wipe me with a wet towel, apply soap, and clean again with wet towel. No running water to avoid the chest and side incisions. I cant do it myself because of the pain on my chest, neck and shoulders. I am like a big baby; needing my mom to clean me...

Today I felt better,and used the pail to scoop water upon me...aaaaaa...what a nice feeling to have running water down my body again!

Healthy Ageing

A friend of Vivien came today; Mr Chong. A robust 70-something man who is a Hash House Harriers (a running club) member and a mountaineer. This is the grandpa you always wanted..heck...this is the senior citizen everyone aspire to be! Healthy and lucid. He still runs his lucrative sundry and other business and practices Qi Qung and Reiki. He came to give me a one-hour session of Reiki healing.

At the end of the session, he was sweating profusely while I did not feel a thing. He explained that the energy he channelled is now at work in my body anyway, regardless whether I felt anything or not. I certainly hope so! I guess my energy channels are all blocked. He agreed and said even the nerves are less sensitive. He declined any payment,and offered to come anytime I need him.

Bone Scan

The bone scan was done at the Nuclear Medicine Centre, National Cancer Society of Malaysia. My sis, bro-in-law, mom and Mr Lee Kiyau Loo accompanied me. The centre is a very professional set-up run by an NGO. There is one doctor, a receptionist and a scanner technician. The whole place is run very smoothly with this skeletal staff. The scanner technician does everything from injecting the radionuclide, preparing the patient for scanning, the scan itself and announcing the scan result to the patient. He should be in his lates 50s. His name is Johnny and it is so apt with his 1960s glistering hair creamed, swept back hairstyle. Wop-de-wop!

At 10.20am, Johnny tried to give me the injection thru my left hand, but somehow my blood pushed into the syringe! He was taken aback, and tried on the right, the radionuclide went in smoothly.I was to wait for 2 hours before the radionuclide flushes thru my whole body. At 12.15pm, I was asked to pee, and to go to the scanning room and lie down on the scanner. The scan was done in 15 minutes. I waited half an hour for the result.

The result? Awful...

The report stated: There are multiple foci of increased tracer accumulation involving the left scapula, multiple bilateral ribs, distal left humerus, multiple thoracic and lumbar vertebrae, left sacro-illiac joint, left iliac wing and right iscium. These are consistent with multiple bone metastasis. Impression: Multiple bone metastasis.

Yup, pure awful shit. I thought the bone cancer is just confined to my C6 cervical vertebrae. Now it seems the scourge has spread to many parts of my bone structure. If I got this type of result last month, I would have bawled myself hoarse, but this time, I just acknowledged it with Mr Lee beside me. My sis who saw it later also don't have much reaction. Somehow we are just not shocked anymore. The speed which this cancer spread is something we have accepted. My sis and I just knew we just have to roll our sleeve up for some tough work ahead. Let's see what Dr Kana of NCI Cancer Hospital will say now with this new outlook.

The good thing about this trip to the centre in KL from my home is: I didnt cough in the whole car journey! :) aaaa...thank you for little mercies :)))

Info about bone scan at http://www.cancerhelp.org.uk/help/default.asp?page=151

Caring for the caregiver

When we visit someone who is ill, we usually focus only on that person. Forgotten is the person who cares for the ill one.

The person who stayed up late and wake up early to care for the patient. The person who worries about giving the correct medication. The person who endured tantrums from the patient. The person who put aside his or her work, aspirations and ambitions just to care for the one they love. The person who gave up their own dreams. Always invisible and under appreciated.

My sister has been this person since 2002. She cared for my late father who fell ill first, then my late grandmother and then my mom. Now she is caring for me. She was a staff nurse before resigning to dabble in business. She is at her best networking for business and talking to customers. Now she is our family's primary caregiver.

Today my sis and I had a shouting match. It is just because she tried to substitute a medication. I refused to accept any change,and she said she has done this before for grandma. We were both under stress and shouting ensued. Yes, it is not always nice and cosy between the cared and the caregiver. I must say the pressure and stress is more on the caregiver; all attention is given to the ill one but the feelings and welfare of the caregiver is often forgotten.

Sorry, sis...sometimes I just can't control my temper. Sometimes my pain makes me unable to calmly state my views. I become impatient and just want to push my views. But I want you to know you are NUMBER ONE in my heart.

So, people, the next time you visit a friend or relative who is unwell, spare sometime to talk to the family members or the caregiver. Give him or her some encouragement and most of all...acknowledgement of their work.

OK now, make me some carrot juice, sis!!! :)

Stay home, and get some nice food...

Friends have been kind, they tried to recommend new medicine, doctors and contacts to me. A friend of Vivien suggested us to meet Dato Dr Yeow, who is a state assemblyman in my area. He founded a haemodylisis centre in Seremban and had sent cancer patients to China for treatment. So my mom, sis and I trooped to meet him yesterday. I am not that keen to go to China but just went along to hear what Dr Yeow got to say.

He read my doctor's report and looked at me. He asked whether I knew my situation. His eyes turned soft and I knew what he meant. I said I knew perfectly my situation. He turned to my mom and told her that he is going to tell us the reality as if I am his own brother. He said my situation is very advanced and there is not much use going to China, better to safe the money, get some good food for me, and let me be comfortable.

I said yeah, I know that, it is now up to me to fight the cancer. Medicine can only do so much. He agreed and do not talk about the usual treatment after that, but talked about the spiritual and human dimension. He encouraged me to bring the fight to the mind and spiritual level, that is all I have control now. The fight is now indeed between me and the cancer cells at the dimension beyond medicine.

Chanting

Chong of Soka Gakkai came last nite. We had a short chanting session. I must say his chant is very soothing and at times his chant sounded like coming from more than one person! This is his 3rd visit to encourage me. Thanks. oh ya...he said there is indeed a Soka Gakkai Young Ladies chapter! :)

Mr Wong's friends

A few days ago, Mr Wong brought a senior couple to see me. The wife has had leukaemia in 1998. She went thru chemo and was told by her doctor that he has done all he can, and she was to return home to "wait". During her "wait", she took control of her own healing; she became a vegetarian, she drank wheatgrass juice liberally and practised QiQung. She made a vow that if she is cured, she will devote herself to charity work. She had a remission and now volunteers at the Seremban General Hospital every Wednesday. The couple travels from Port Dickson to Seremban for this voluntary work.

Yesterday, Mr Wong brought Mr Lim to meet me. Mr Lim lost his mother to lung cancer a few years ago, and had since devoted himself to understand cancer and its treatment. He has since been in contact with many complementary healers and spritual masters. He shared his knowledge about diet and spiritual empowerment. We talked about Buddhist Metta (loving-kindness) meditation and blessings. He also helped to translate some Mandarin recipe for my sister. Mr Lim said he will come again to chant some sutras with me.

Thanks to all for making time for me. Thanks Mr Wong for introducing so many inspiring people to me, and also for your 5-star vegetarian meals! :)))

Gore and Love

Usually, we treat the treatment for cancer as a fight...or rather a war. The body is the battlezone being viciously fought over by the good guys; our immune system and the white blood cells the good warriors. On the other side are the bad guys; the cancer cells with their zombie-like nature blindly wreaking havoc on the previously beautiful land. Reminds you of the battles in the Lord of the Rings.

On the other hand, there is another view of the cancerous situation; the initial cancer cells are our own cells. They were traumatised by events beyond their control; either by pollution, carcinogens or emotional hurts. They turned bad not by their accord. They need to be loved and brought back to the fold.They are like your family members who are ill, surely we must try out best to nurse them back to health?

Or even if we were to remove or kill the cancer cells, we don't do it with deep malice. But we remove them from our system to protect the rest of healthy cells, and we wish them well in their next life or where they are going next. We send our metta or loving kindness or blessing to these maliagnant cells so that they will not suffer nor bring suffering in their next existence.

The views may be contradicting each other, but I think the visualisation could be combined. Mr Lim advised me possible visualisation to prepare for my radiotherapy, and I kind of like his suggestion. It is the about removing the tumor from my C6, wishing them well, hoping they will have less suffering in their next existence. I think the last thing my body needs is another vision of blood, gore and violence.

Don't you give up on me!

Sunday I am supposed to see a sinseh (Chinese medicine healer) in Selayang who reputed able to heal cancer patients. Lilian tried to make an appointment for me, and gave the sinseh a description of my condition. The sinseh declined to see me because of my "advanced" condition. Thank you, sir...you gave me an extra rest day from travelling! :)

Qi-eers*

Marzuki, Mazita and Harold came yesterday. They are my "alumni" from Dr. Amir's Qui Lin Qi Qong course. We shared Qi tips and Mazita reminded me about the stationary Qi Walk..opps..I totally forgotten about it, so now I can do Qi walk nearly anywhere!

They also bought 3 books as gift..thanks, Qi-warriors :). I find two of the books totally riveting; "Cancer Winner" and "Gerson Therapy". These are the books why I prefer to read non-fiction!

Cancer Winner is a journal-like book where the author tells of her experience in overcoming melanoma or black cancer with the Gerson Therapy. Her descriptions of her healing process; of tumor detaching from her insides and making their way out from her colon, of toxins burrowing out of her soles, of dead tumors from her head travelling along her bloodstream to be excreted made me devour this book at one go. The mental images from her descriptions made "Alien" or "Night of the Living Dead" horror movies seem like Sunday cartoons.

The other book; The Gerson Therapy describes a 60 year old therapy that are used by cancer and other terminal disease patients to regain their health. Dr Max Gerson, the originator of this therapy was called upon in 1946 to testify before the US Senate for the Pepper-Neely anticancer proposal bill. This bill, if approved, will provide US$100 million (value in 1946 I think) to find a cure for cancer. This bill was not approved due to lobbying by vested pharmaceutical and other interests.

The core of the Gerson Therapy, as the book described it(pg 51):
- The treatment consist of salt and water management which holds down the intake of salt (Na+) and increase the intake of potassium (K+);
- A sick person's matabolism and cell energy production are stimulated by supplementing with natural thyroid hormone
- Maximum digestibility of nutrients is achieved by hourly drinking fresh, raw vegetable and fruit juices and eating a basically vegetarian diet
- Fat is restricted in order to lower intake of disease promoters of all kinds
- The restriction of protein tends to uplift a patient's immune response
- Coffee enemas stimulate the bowel and liver enzymes to eliminate toxins across the bowel wall

I find Gerson Therapy scientifically sound and has a good documented history. I am almost done with this book and am very motivated to try the therapy. Actually my diet is very close to essence of the Gerson Therapy, but there are a lot more modification and addition. I have a morbid fascination with the coffee enema thingy :P

*first coined by Mazita :)

Southern Comfort II

On Friday, my Johorean UPM alumni made their way again to see me. They bought with them a gift. Thank you, friends, you shouldn't have but I appreciate it. To the Tan family, may you begin a happy and prosperous new life in Papua New Guinea!

Yes, I will do it

Went to NCI Cancer Hospital (formerly known as Nilai Cancer Institute) today. Had a very good consultation with Dr Kana and Dr Selva. Dr Kana spent nearly 1.5 hours with me, answering my questions and clearing my doubts. I think this is the longest a doctor has spent time for me. What I really like is his underlying medical philosophy when giving advice; as a man of science, he gave me the hard facts; about my advanced cancer situation, about how the therapies won't cure me but just for palliative purpose, about being medically realistic about my chances. But he
also has a human side; telling me about miracles, about the power of the mind, cases where the patients themselves decide, within their mind, about the side effects of therapies on themselves. It was a very good balance of hard cold scientific diagnosis and a human face. Dr Selva came in briefly, he will be the one doing the radiotherapy. He suggested several options and has the same human touch as Dr Kana. Finally I found the medical advice I seek.

I have decided to do the radiotherapy on my C6. I have also accepted Dr Selva's suggestion to extend the therapy to my thorax to arrest the spread of the enlarged lymphatic nodules. They didn't dispute my fears of radiotherapy side effects; of the possibility that the bones getting brittle and others. But they told me the way the pain is increasing, it shows the lesion is eating away at my C6, so the choice is between a 100% chance of letting the lesion eat the vetebra or some chance of bone brittle after the radiotherapy. Dr Kana also concurs that radiotherapy is a "heavy" therapy,unlike the view of many that radiotherapy is milder than chemo. Radiotherapy is irreversible; it is radiation released into your body and cannot be erased. What happens after that is a risk one has to take. I agree that my choice is limited at this time; the increasing severe pain is a warning of possible paralysis if it continues, so either I don't do anything and hope for a miracle or arrest the spread immediately and deal with possible side effects (if it happens) when and where it may occur later.

So the plan is this; next Tuesday I will do a bone scan at the Cancer Society in KL, this is to scan if there are any other spread in my bones, then a CT scan on the thorax at NCI on Wednesday, and start of the radiotherapy on subsequent days. It will be an outpatient 5 sessions of radiotherapy. Meaning I don't have to be warded; can go back after the deed is done.

They also explained about chemotherapy for the rest of the cancer in the thorax. They lay down the options and possible side effects. But they said the choice is entirely up to me. They just give the facts and allow me to decide whether to follow through. Again. they shared "miracle" experiences about their patients who decided not to do chemo. But this is tempered with their views as medical men.

Dr Kana gave me antibiotics because there is an infection on the blood vessel of my right arm. A slightly painful bulge on the arm is developing probably due to the line (for drip) made at IJN. Dr Selva prescribed a steroid to slow down the spread of tumor at the thorax area,I think..can't quite remember! Anyway, their professional yet friendly attitude is really refreshing and reassuring. We had quite a few laughs even when talking about matter of life and death. Dr Kana also told us one of the reason for the hospital's name change (aside from being brought over by
another organisation) is people thought Nilai Cancer Institute is a research body dealing with injecting rats and goats with cancer cells... :)

Thanks again to Mrs McCoy for talking with Dr Sanjiv of IJN, who in turn talked to Dr Kana for this appointment.

These tears are not for me

I have stopped crying for myself, but sometimes I do shed tears. These are the tears for friends who did the unexpected to bring me joy, relatives who made time to comfort me, strangers who showed they can make sacrifices for someone they hardly know. I can't stop the tears from flowing, people...these are the tears of appreciation of your compassion and camaderie. Thank you.

Stranger in the mirror

I took a good look at myself in the mirror today. I was shocked. I saw a skeleton of my former self. I have lost so much weight I hardly recognise myself. My head is tilting slightly to the right because the pain is forcing self- adjustment. A friend who visited today asked how many chemotherapy sessions I had...yeah, I looked like someone who is undergoing chemotherapy! Boy, I really look forward to the day I regain my dashing film star good looks...hehe :)

Live Blood Analysis

Went to a diagnosis centre where they analyse live blood sample. Some details of this analysis at
http://www.dreddyclinic.com/online_recources/articles/treatment/microscopy_analyse.htm

Short description; "the test is different from conventional blood tests ordered by the physicians because it is a live sample, where the qualified Analyst is looking for microbial activity, condition of cells, and anomalies that are not typically ordered in blood testing using the traditional method. The dried sample suggests the areas of the body that may be congested, or holding toxins, impairing proper functionality."

I look at the diagnostic TV screen with the analyst who explained the blood sample which are magnified 8000x. They showed that my blood sample has an abnormal presence of white blood cells and tons of bacteria, fungus and parasite. Definitely doesnt make for good mealtime reading material :P

Tok

Today is a day for "alternate" therapies :) After the hypnosis session, I went to see Tok (the Muslim Guru who goes into trance) with the 11 types of flowers. When Tok sees me, he asked asked "eh, ngapa kurus nie? tak makan ke?" (eh, why so skinny, didnt u eat?). I replied that I just had a surgery. He asked for my hand, felt it and nodded.

He then blessed the flowers and asked me to bath with them 3 times together with the limau purut (lemons). He looked at me and must have seen the muka kesian (pitiful face) I had on then, he asked me not to be afraid, its going to be ok. I said I am not afraid, just that my neck is aching! He smiled and said its ok. This was a short session and he didnt ask me to see him again. So off I go, with a bowl of keledek (sweet potato) porridge which Farah has prepared for me.

Who are the CA Care people?

CA Care (www.cacare.com) was set up by Dr Chris Teo, a well-known botanist formerly a Prof at Science University of Malaysia (USM). There are several branches thorughout Malaysia, and the Subang Jaya branch is located in Khadijah and Johan's house. It a cosy semi detached house with plenty of trees, shrubs, fish bowls and...cats! The consultation area is located at the side porch of the house.

There are Khadijah, Farah and Venetia counselling the patients and prescribing the herbs prepared by Dr Chris Teo. What I like about the counsellers are the time they spend to understand you, and each time I go there, there is something new which they will share with me. So unlike the doctors I have seen who seem to be always in a rush. They are experienced complementary healers with lots of tools of trade.

Next week I will meet the man himself; Dr Teo who comes to the SJ centre bimonthly. Good thing too because I would have consulted the oncologist then. Today I asked Khadijah about the decision I have to make; to have radiotherapy on my C6 or not? She asked me to meditate and allow my body, especially the C6 to convey the decision to me.

Regressive Hypnosis Therapy IV

So what's its all about? Its about forgiving myself and others whom I thought have hurt me. It is also a chance for the others to forgive me for whatever I have done to them. It is about letting go resentment and suppressed anger. Its about letting the 17 year old, who may not have sufficient wisdom and experience then, to hear the 38 year old me to tell how it is ok, and to forgive oneself.

Khadijah said we went to the throat because I have not been communicative then, (and even now!), how my suppressed feeling are all stuck in the throat, not having or allowing an avenue for escape.I told Khadijah maybe some are guided by my conscious imagination. But I really wanted to go to my lungs where I felt my immediate problem is, but maybe the "wisdom" of the body want to go to the throat first. I felt fine during the hypnosis, no cough nor neck pain. But it all they all back after a few hours. Obviously, there are more stuck emotion in other parts of the body.

Regressive Hypnosis Therapy III

And so there were several steps where Buddha and I sat around a campfire, looking at the new 17 year old me strutting his stuff confidently. We then invite the new 17 year old me to come down from the screen, together with the rest of the people in the scene. We did some questioning of the people, forgiving and stuff. I was also required to go into other people and let me see myself from their perspective. In the end, the 38 year old me were to embrace the new 17 year old me, we were to merge to be one happily, with the cells becoming strong and healthy.

Some details I could not remember well. Anyway, one of the final scene is where Buddha and I were to revisit the throat, and explore it again. We find that Buddha and I can walk freely around the throat; each step we take brings light to the dark areas. The throat becomes healthy pink, so we walk round and round around the throat until the whole wall becomes healthy and

bright.And so the journey ends with Khadijah guiding gently me out of the hypnosis session. All the while the crybaby in me was out in fullforce, maybe I used half a box of tissue :P

Regressive Hypnosis Therapy II

The shuttle landed in an upright position in a dark red tunnel, which I know is the throat. The throat were dark red with pulsating mucus. It was dark with just dark red wall of throat. Khadijah asked me and Buddha to get out of the shuttle to explore the throat. We got down and immediately fell to our fours because our feet got stuck on the slimy mucus. All we could do is crawl and wallow on the floor. It is difficult to crawl because the floor is so mushy and sticky with thick dark red mucus.

After awhile of crawling, Khadijah asked what is the feeling of throat, not the physical feel but the emotion that the yucky stuff conveys. I could not decipher the feeling but after awhile I said it is anger. She asked when did this happen, think of the time when such anger occured, she asked me to picture that event. I then saw another of myself appearing; a barefooted teenage me in blue trackbottoms and white t-shirt (I am no sharp dresser in real life too ok) in a dark area. She asked my why do I look like that? I have no idea, the script say so ma... :P

And so she asked when was this? How old were I? I said this was when I was around 17 or 18, in school, in Form 6. I said I was in my most shameful period then, I was a failure at school; failed in nearly all subject until STPM level. After some queries on how and why it happened, Buddha was asked to give me ballons containing the qualities for 17 year old me to overcome my problems then. I was to breathe these qualities from the ballons. Now, filled with these good qualities, what happened to the barefooted image? waaa....he suddenly becomes so leng chai (handsome), tall and well groomed (ahem), he towers above all other students and teachers who are now looking up at me and smiling. Khadijah asked if there are lots of girls... I said sure la :)))

Regressive Hypnosis Therapy

Big words, or that's what I thought the therapy is. I went to CA Care today for a hypnosis session with Khadijah. This therapy requires you to be under hypnosis, and to bring you back for past hurts that may have caused your illness, or even future illness. The concept is that repressed emotion my be forgotten by your conscious mind, but never by your subconcious mind (a school of thought uses "unconscious" rather than "sub conscious". "sub" usually means 2nd class or lower, which is not accurate when the uncounscious's expanse is much bigger and powerful than the conscious mind.

The therapy will bring me to a particular organ in my body where past hurts has been stuck and affecting the organ. There may be more than one organ but the wisdom of the body will guide it to the priority organ. So she guides me into a relaxed state in a few steps. One step was where I was required to choose a travel companion. I chose Buddha, who else but the Enlightened One to accompany me :) Our travel vehicle is a space shuttle! :))) So Buddha and I were to go into the space shuttle. We strapped ourselves down in the shuttle. Khadijah asked me if I see the instrument panel. I

said "eh, we are in the passenger compartment la". So she asked me to go to the cockpit..hehe. Well, there Buddha and I strapped ourselves into pilots' seats. I pushed the "go" button. The engine roared but didnt take off because I dont know where to go. Khadijah said its ok, let the
body's wisdom bring where it should go. It is the same wisdom that allows the heart to beat and all other organs to function.

It took awhile before my shuttle lifts off. But still it hovers, not knowing where to go. After awhile, the shuttle go round and round in circles, hovering above a moving bed of lava. It goes in circles for many minutes. All this while Khadijah reassures me it will reach its destination.

And then gravity seems to pull the shuttle (where Buddha and I were in, with Buddha looking out of the cockpit window in his usual serene manner) down. The bed of lave opens and the shuttle plunges into it.

IJN follow-up

My sis and bro-in-law bought me to the National Heart Institute (IJN) for the follow-up. Saw Dr Ezani of IJN who is my lead surgeon at IJN. He was horrified that I hadn't taken the bandage off the chest incision since I was discharged last Tuesday. He said infection could have set in, so he pulled it off right there..ouch! :P
He advised me to get chemo/radio treatment a.s.a.p; there is a possibility that the pericardium window which he has opened may close fast because of the cancerous condition. The biopsis which he did for the left lung tissue confirmed that the cancer is also in my left lung; so it means that both of my lungs is affected..all along I thought the left lung is clean from adenocarcinoma. Oh well...

Mrs McCoy was also there to accompany me at IJN, and she managed to talk to her friend who is a cardiologist there. With minimal effort, the cardiologist got me an appointment with an oncologist at Nilai Cancer Institute this Thursday. Thanks! This particular cardiologist is the personal cardiologist to the Prime Minister. hmmm...talk about friends in high places! :)

Southern Comfort

The weekend saw friends and relatives from the South visiting. My relatives my Melaka came. And 8 friends from Johor made their way to see me. These 8 friends are my UPM alumni whom I haven't seen since we left UPM in early 90s. Somehow word about my condition reached them. I must confess that I have only nodding acquiantances with half of them, but they came anyway. Thanks, people!

Project work

Soon Hun Yang, my IIIEE alumni and business associate, and I discussed some project work. Boy, how I miss all these project talk! We talked about bidding, tenders, who to get as team members and all those project details. Thanks, Soon for bringing some joy. Ok OK..u guys must be thinking "get a life, Hee Boon...getting all worked up over work???" Yes, people, I enjoy working for a sustainable future!!! :)

My little sister

My little sister from Latvia sent me 2 emails. We were both classmates in Lund, Sweden. We share the same birthday but I am 10 yrs her senior. Standing side-by-side; one could instantly tell we are siblings; Inga is tall, blond with blue eyes while I am the typical chinaman (sorry, gals...more of Fu Manchu rather than Jet Li),. hahahahaha....
Anyway, thanks little sister, I understand and agree perfectly with your message :)

Roti Pratha

Woke up, one of the few nights when I slept thru without waking up to pee or to change into dry cloths (I have night sweat). But I had really unbearable neck + shoulder pain, so did not go for Qi Qong at the Lake Gardens. Took pain killers again.

Now I am seriously deliberating on radiotherapy for the C6 vertebra. The pain is getting severe, spreading and more frequent now. Call it desperation....but I will listen to wht the oncologist at KLGH has to say...I have asked Mariam to prod the Sban GH doctor for the referal letter.

Pain came again by noon. Climbed into bed and slept. Mariam came to give me new dressing and to take out the stiches.She left because she don't want to disturb my sleep. She came back later when I was awake to do it. But she took only one stich because the other seem to be slightly septic. So decided to leave it until I have my appointment again at the National Heart Institute (IJN) on Monday.

Got a voice message from Cecilia of Bonn. Cecilia and her husband Ambrose are Penangites who operate an Asian grocery in Bonn. Their shop is just across my apartment. I am their number 1 customer then because they got what I crave; curry ingredients, petai, ikan bilis and other Asian yummies & condiments. My fav is their made-in-Shah-Alam Frozen Roti Pratha!!!! I will make my own lamb curry (could not get mutton so lamb would hv to do) to go with the Roti Pratha (Roti canai but with fillings). Every summer I would buy boxes of their Pakistani mangoes and wolf them down like they are going extinct. :P Oops...I am supposed to tell you about her message..got carried away..hehe..anyway...Cecilia told me to be strong, never give up and they will pray for me. Thanks, Cecilia and Ambrose!!! I know you have a thriving business and I wish both of you more success! Malaysia Boleh!!! :)