Breathless

After the previous gung-ho post, my condition became critical. I am having extreme breathelessness. Can't walk a few paces before breathlessness attacks. I was panting and desperately fighting for air. Luckily we have an oxygen tank...

Went to NCI Cancer Hospital today. Did a chest x-ray and found out the lung tumor has spread covering more areas of the lungs; hence the lack of air space and breathlessness.

Dr Kana recommended Iressa immediately. This would help to alleviate the tumor. Yes, its expensive but it has to be done. I have only one week before China and I can't go on a plane in this condition.

Dr Kana also said can't do chemotherapy on the lungs because it would affect the brain tumors. The brain tumor could increase in size and cause brain bleeding and paralysis. So he suggested do brain radiotherapy first before doing chemo, if that's the path I gonna take.

So I have taken Iressa today. Let's see how it works. The doctors said the effect will be immediate.

I may not be able to blog frequently due to my current condition. I will update the blog when I am up to it. Wish me well, people....

Make Meaning

"There has to be a meaning in this". Don't we just hate it when something happened with seemingly no reason? For example someone affiliated with a disease. Some may wonder if a Higher Power is sending them a message. Some may speculate this is some form of punishment. Or one may just dismiss it as nature's lottery.

I decided to make my own meaning. Forget about Higher Power sending messages. Ain't gonna wait for no divine revelation. I want to decide,on my own, now, what I want to do with this cancer.

I was thinking...look...I got the biggies...you want lung cancer? I got both. Bone cancer...got it....Brain? check...lymph? had it. So what is the meaning of all these? What a waste to have all these cancers and let the guy just roll over!!!

So I have DECIDED that my cancer means:
- I MUST make use of this gift.
- I MUST make sure others benefit.
- I MUST regain my health so that I can say..."...I have done it, so can you..."

Now...I can show that one can have all these cancer and still make a CHOICE and DECIDE how you deal with it.

So what is my CHOICE?
- I choose to be brave, so that you can;
- I choose to enjoy learning to regain my health, so that you can;
- I choose to revel in this as an adventure; so that you will too.

I have decided on the meaning of my cancer. I have chosen how to deal with it. So I am inviting you again, come join Hee Boon on his Amazing New Adventures :)

Morning Reflection

Today's Wesak Day. Wesak Day commemorates Buddha's Enlightenment. I would like to share a Puja which I reflect upon every morning. May the reflection blesses all sentient beings in the universe.

Morning Reflection
Homage to Enlightened Buddha, Perfect in Wisdom and Compassion.
Homage to Noble Dhamma, the Universal Law the Buddha taught.
Homage to Holy Sangha, the protectors of the Noble Dhamma.

To the Triple Gem, I go for refuge.

May the Triple Gem bless and protect me and my loved ones. May we be free from harm and danger. May we overcome our difficulties.

May we always meet with success. May we be blessed with good health, strength, peace and happiness.

May my parents, brothers and sisters, teachers, friends and relatives be well and happy. May they be free from harm and danger. If they are faced with harm and danger, may they overcome their problems quickly. If they are faced with ill health, may they regain good health soon.

May all sentient beings in the universe be free from harm and danger. May all beings, know or unknown, seen or unseen, dwelling near or far, be free from suffering and find happiness and peace. Even those who hurt me, attack me, abuse me and make me unhappy be relieved from their suffering and find peace. May they, too, receive the blessings of the Triple Gem.

Aspiration
May the Buddha guide my thoughts and actions throughout the day.
May the Dhamma help me to be strong in moments of weakness, brave in times of trouble, and calm in the face of changing fortunes.
May the Sangha inspire me to act with kindness, patience and forgiveness in my dealings with others, including those unfriendly to me.

May the Devas(Deities) protect me & my family.
May the Arahants (the Saints) and the Bodhisattas (Buddhas-to-be) guide me in my daily life.

May this country be blessed with peace and prosperity.

May I have the opportunity today to help someone in need of my love and support. I shall not waste this life in useless pursuits but use it well to bring benefit and happiness to the world.

May the Buddha be at my head, the Dhamma in my heart, and the Sangha at my side to protect and guide me always

Namo Buddhaya

Sadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu!

(From Buddha Puja- Compiled by Victor Wee)

New kid on the blog

My fellow non-practising horticulturist has started his own blog. I have always admired his exquisite view of the world. Savour his delicious blend of humour and penetrating insights on life...

Vintage Kua at http://kuature.blogspot.com

Acupuncture Thurs

Went for 2nd session of acupuncture. This time 25 needles plunged into me including along my spine. First time since I was hospitalised I am lying on my front. My worry about my fragile and previously painful C6 vertebra stopped me from lying on my face, but this time I am ok.

So first were needles while I am on my back, then after taking them off after half an hour, I am on my back for the needles to be punctured along my spine. Felt like one of those dinosaurs with shields along their spine! Each puncture has a purpose; most to strengthen or calm organs such as lungs and heart, to smoothen the flow of the energy along the meridien, to strenghten the spine, arrest the brain tumor and even to lessen anger!

Later the routine qi transfer. She also gave me some pills to calm and strengthen the heart; my heart is still racing at 3 digits after the IJN surgery.

Acupuncture Wed

Last nite went for my first acupuncture session at the Tao Centre. Dr Yong placed 13 needles into me; from top of head, chest, hands and legs. She said this will help boost my energy in the meridien; as if I have done 10 times qiqong! I felt really good, hardly felt the needle puncturing me, some felt just like ant bites but hardly felt most of them.

I felt warm in some acupunctured spots on the left side of my body. After like half an hour of the needles, she took them off, and did the routine qi transfer. My shortness of breath subsided significantly after both the acupuncture and qi transfer.

Chongxing Tao Healing Centre

The China trip is shaping up. Most probably I will depart for Chongxing,China on 6 June 2005. Mr Wong, Vivien my sister and I will depart first. Mr Wong volunteered to join because he knew my sis and I would have trouble initially with the thickly accented Mandarin of Chongxing :)

Dino, Yuen Fong and Dr Yong will join us a week later. Dr Yong will be there for a month to rejuvenate herself and also to learn new skills. I am glad she will be around.

Bhakti Thirti

Last night Mr Segaran came to see me. He is one of the Hare Krsna devotees who chanted for me on Sunday. He came with two books and some print-out. We talked briefly about the Hare Krsna movement. self realisation and the mind. Thanks, Segaran, for taking time off to see me again.

He showed me the print-outs which are emails from and about a priest; Bhakti Tirtha. The Guru is in the US and in the final stage of melanoma cancer. The final email from his caregivers talk about him preparing to depart from the world. There is even a plan of action in the event of his death, including detailed schedule to prepare final prayers until the weekend after his death. Wow..talk about well-prepared!

I read his story with great interest. I read his last emails to his students and devotees, description of this last few preachings and updates from his caregivers. I wanted to contact the guru and tell him about the Gerson Therapy. Gerson Therapy has proven very effective against melanoma cancer. I called Segaran this morning to check if I can get the Guru's address and send him the Gerson Therapy books.

Segaran advised that the cancer is very advanced and the Guru's followers have done much. But I think there is hope. I have emailed his caregivers to check on his current situation. But if the Guru is ready and at peace about departing from this world, well...

Dr Kana

Guess who emailed me yesterday? Dr Kana the oncologist at NCI Cancer Hospital has been following my blog. He emailed to asked how I am and about the coming trip to China. I am really touched by this. How many doctors would take the effort to read his patient's blog? His emphaty is really exemplary.

When you find such doctors, do cherish them! Dr Selva his colleague at NCI too has such a demeanor. I wholeheartedly support anyone, caregiver and cancer patients, to seek consultation from these two exceptional doctors at the NCI Cancer Hospital, Nilai. They are your partners in healing. Thanks, Docs!

Matron of Organic Farming

It's a small world...turned out Dino and Siew go back a long way. Mdm Tan Siew Luang, or better known as Siew, is one heck of a lady. In the early 1990s, she and one female farm worker "organic farmed" when such effort nor market hardly exist. I remember meeting her in 1993 at her Sungai Buluh farm. We clicked right away and I even helped her to deliver organic vegetables when she has to be away.

She does nearly everything; she planted, she harvested, packaged and delivered the vegetables. She is also the wife of Mr Gurmit Singh, the granddaddy of the environmental movement. I have the priviledge and honour of being their friend, and working with both of them since I know them in the 1990s. The organisation they are with is the Centre for Environment, Technology and Development, Malaysia (www.cetdem.org.my)

Siew and Dino came to visit me yesterday. We talked about the organic farming situation in Malaysia. The organic farming scene in Malaysia is still in its infancy, and there is a a lot of uncertainties about the notion of "organic farming". Siew is not farming anymore, she is more playing more of an advisery role to farmers and the government.

One concern is that many people thought organic only means free from herbicide, pesticide and perhaps using composting. Organic farming means more than that; it means a lifestyle that respects living beings, cultivating the land in a harmonious manner, thinking about protecting the environment as a whole, treating the whole farm as one wholistic organism. Going into and staying in the organic path is not easy. Many so-called organic farmerss have abandoned their organic farming and succumbed to the conventional farming method.

I am fortunate enough to eat organic vegetable produced by Mr Wong himself. His philosophy is that the whole being of the farmer should be focussed on producing vegetables with love. The pursuit of profit is secondary. The farmer himself must have the passion and knowledge that his or her produce will be eaten for the well-being of the consumer. Dino concured. He is producer of Miso.

His Miso DooJyoo is not like any factory, in fact he does not like to call them "factory". He see Miso as a health food that many people take for well-being and most critically, many take to heal themselves from illness like cancer. He sees himself as a Miso practicioner who brings the Miso into being for the good of many; not coldly produced thru conveyor-belts.

We had a great time talking about these stuff. Siew, Dino and Mr Wong talked about helping my nephew in his organic vegetable business. All these veterans agreed that this young man must have a good philosophical foundation of organic farming before starting anything.

The Pictorial Man

Throughout the ages; prophets, preachers, gurus, wise people and messiahs have admonished us to be on the righteous path. They do these through precepts, principles and commandments. Often times these principles asked us "NOT" or "DON'T" do a negative action or thinking. For example; "Thou shalt not steal" or "Don't be greedy". I ask you; which one sticks to your mind; the "shalt not" or the "steal"; the "don't be" or the "greedy". Which is easier to picture?

Insights from psychological studies showed that man is a visual animal, we think in pictures. Imagine being asked to do this: "Thou shalt not covet thy's neighbour's wife". You won't be able to visualise "shalt not" nor "covet" but you will certainly may be able to picture your neighbour's luscious wife..hehehe ;)

Actually this simple fact can be obtained if you go to a Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) programme or any simple self motivation programme, where they teach you to visualise success. I wonder if some of the persistent problems of mankind stems partly from the inaccurate-phrased principles from religious teachings? Mind you, not only Moses may have erred in his 10 Commandments, but many principles in other religions are often framed in a manner not suited to a visual man.

Don't just talk about big religious percepts, a father who scolds his kid "Don't play with your ice cream, you will drop it!!!" will see exactly that.

That is why picking the right phrase and word is so critical in one's visualisation exercises. The unconscious mind do not differentiate between what is "real" and what we want to be. And the timing must be in the present, as if the image we bought to mind has already happened. One can imagine a healthy body only with healthy cells, disregarding the present state of the body. The mind will assume it has already happen, and somehow the mind will direct it to be so. Let the picture be the guide.

Rest in peace, Papa

Just came back from the Nilai Memorial Park where my papa is buried. Today is the 100th day of his funeral. We had a ceremony with the Taoist priest to "officiate" his grave and to mark the 100th day. My Papa passed away 2 days before the 2005 Chinese New Year.

Rest in peace, Papa. And may you be well and happy whenever you are.

Turbulent 2000s

The turn of the 21st century is definitely a unique experience for my family. My family have the final and maybe the best times when I invited my mom, dad and sister to Europe in the year 2000. I was working in Germany then. We had a great time travelling thru Europe summer of 2000.

The old folks's health went downhill after that. In the year 2001, my dad was very ill. When I depart to work in Germany in 1999, I promised myself I won't stay too long away from the old folks, so my dad's illness prompted me to return to Malaysia end of 2001. It was a difficult time for the whole family; we never realised his physical illness was accompanied with beginning of dementia. I came back to a different dad, and it was a horrible time the rest of the family too.

In the middle of 2001, my grandma broke her back due to oestoporosis. She too is having beginning of dementia. Again, we don't know for sure what's happening. In December 2001, my mom who was the primary care giver, had an heart attack. So all three old folks were afflicted with illness at the same time by the end 2001.

My sister stopped her business and became a full time caregiver to THREE old folks. No one, I say NO ONE, can ever understand the challenge of taking care of 3 old folks with different illness, and two with growing dementia. That is why I will always admire my sister as one who has the fortitude to go thru all this. No one can ever speak ill of her in front of me, and no one ever better try.

The years 2002 and 2003 were indeed our annus horribilis. The peak of trouble was in 2003 where the my dad was warded in the hospital twice for a month each time, and my grandma once. There was a time when I took care of my dad on the 5th floor of the Seremban Hospital, and my sister took care of my grandma at the 3rd floor of the same hospital at the same time!

Things stabilised in the year 2004. Mom had a successful heart by-pass operation early 2004. My consultancy practice and activism is doing well, and the health of the old folks stabilising. We are beginning to understand and cope with the mental challenge of caring for dementia patients. I thought things will get better in the year 2005.

Well, I had my first cancerous symptom in Argentina in December 2004. I had pericardial effusion where fluid accumulated in the sac of the heart. The doctors drained nearly 1 litre of hemorrhage fluid from the pericardium, and I also had pleural effusion where 1 litre of fluid accumulated in the right lung. These fluid made breathing difficult and would have scarred the heart. But the doctors don't know for sure what caused these fluid accumulation. I was in the hospital for 6 days.

I came back from Argentina and a week later have to arrange for the funeral of grandma, who passed away on 26 Dec 2004 (the day the tsunami hit). Then my dad passed away on 7 February 2005. And a week later I had the 2nd pericardial effusion and was hospitalised. I was so sad there is no respite for my sister the caregiver.

This time I had a tube attached from the pericardium for 2 weeks while the doctors drained the fluid out nearly everyday, and in the end of two weeks, nearly 2.7 litres of bloodied fluid was drained from the pericardium. I was in the hospital for 3 weeks, and only in the end of the 2nd week the doctors confirmed its cancer.

I was discharged but only had a week of freedom before the 3rd episode of pericardium effusion. This time I was admitted to the National Heart Institute (IJN). The doctors did a 7-hour heart surgery to open a window in the pericardium so that the fluid will drain to the lungs rather than the pericardium. I was warded for a week.

The story until now; after tests, biopsies and scans at the Seremban Hospital, NCI Cancer Hospital, IJN and Nuclear Medicine Centre; the status of the cancer: both my lungs, skeleton, lymph nodes and brain. The radiotherapy really relieved the pain and congestion at the chest lymph nodes and C6 vertebra. My wish is the tumors stays where they are now and let's take it from there. Let the current situation be the baseline.

This chain of events really makes one wonder if there is a meaning in it all. The human mind want to search for a pattern. It can just be a random universal play, targetting no one.

But one result of the turbulent 2000s is our family grew closer. We are challenged in how we see and react with each other. Each day brings new discovery. All of us found strength we never knew we had, and we cherish the new aspects of the person we thought we knew all along.

Let's see what other adventures the rest of the 21st century will bring to my family...

Tao Life Care Centre III

Sunday afternoon we went to the Tao centre again for two reasons. First is of course for my healing purpose, and the other to celebrate a happy occasion. Dr Yong the Chinese physician is having an opening ceremony for her clinic at the Tao Centre.

So Mr Wong bought, on behalf of our family, a bouquet and a single rose for good measure. Dr Yong invited some friends for a simple opening ceremony with a small party later.

After the ceremony, Dr Yong and I went thru my medical records(including all the x-rays and scans since my symptom first appeared in December 2004). I was pleasantly surprised that she is very well versed with the conventional diagnosis and terms. She took time to explain the details of the medical records and scans, more than what the other conventional medical doctors has devoted time for me.I think this should be the way, both the western and eastern medicine working hand in hand.

At the end of the session, she did her usual Chinese meridien checking. She then proceed to prescribe herbs. She said she can now can prescribe more accurately after looking at the previous medical records. After that, she did the routine Qi or energy transfer from herself to me. She prepared herself and transfer the Qi while I was lying down. She did it to my lungs and dandian. Later she did meridien massage to my arms, shoulders and ankles.

At the end of the healing session, I feel really rejuvenated. It could be from her Qi transfer, and also the psychological boost of her advise. She really treat you as a whole person, and not concentrating on a particular spot or ailment.

We also discussed about the coming trip to China. Yuen Fong who is the coordinator of the Cheras Tao Centre and Dino shared their experience about the Tao Centre. I am elated that Yuen Fong, Dino and Dr Yong are all going to the Tao Centre the same time with me! We plan to go in early June.

This Tao Centre in Cheras is the highlight of my healing journey. I urge anyone who is in need to give the centre a try. What I find most valuable is the gift of HOPE that this centre conveys. Again, call me or email at heeboon@gmail.com if you are interested.

Muhibbah

Tan Bee Leng bought a lot of Dhamma CD and books for me this Sunday morning. Thanks very much, Bee Leng. So yesterday we had the Surah pervading our house. This morning Dhamma CDs.

And guess what, in the afternoon we have an unexpected group of Hare Krsna devotees in our house. They were having a possession house to house, and my sister invited them in. They sang the Hare Krsna chant for me in my bedroom, complete with drumbeats from the bhagra.
"Hare Krsna Hare Krsna
Krsna Krsna Hare Hare
Hare Rama Hare Rama
Rama Rama Hare Hare"

I had tears flowing down my cheeks at the end of the chant. More from the amusement of this unique situation. I was smiling broadly with so much spiritual blessings in a weekend. One of the Hare Krsna devotee promised to come back with a book for me.

So there you are; Muslim, Buddhist and Hindu chants and music infusing our house in one weekend...isnt this country great!? :)

Chippendale

I have lost 16 kg since I was hospitalised in mid-February. I still wear some of my BC (before cancer) clothes. Yesterday morning I had a reminder its time to re-do my wardrobe ;)

I was standing at the front door of the house yesterday morning, doing Qiqong. The final steps include standing on tip toes and going down on my heels hard, 9 times. As I were thumping away, my short pants slipped down and gathered at my ankles. Fortunately, none of my groupies were outside to see this free show. So I gathered my pants and dignity and waddled quickly inside.

I really need new pants.

Sufi healing

Everyday brings surprises. Today I receive a delightful package from the US. It's a music CD from Zoë Samia Kaplan. She is the sister of Jed Kaplan. Jed is my friend who is also the husband of Helga my classmate at IIIEE. Let me quote Zoë's note to me:
"I have also been on a healing journey being diagnosed with MS several years ago. I have found this to be a very introspective and powerful time. I also learned about in the Sufi way, which involves, among other things, beautiful prayers about peace and love. I have made a CD of myself singing some of the prayers, known to heal the deep places inside of us. Please enjoy this gift from a new friend."

I have always admired the Sufi way as the most spiritual of Muslim teachings. The swirling image of Sufi dancers evokes the dances of the universe's elements. Zoë's music is very soothing and peaceful. Even our Muslim maid sang along with the CD. I guess this is the first time my sister's home was percolated with the Surah. Many Thanks, Zoë....your music really made my day, and I will delight in it always.

Details of Zoë and her music at http://soundofhealing.com

Saturday 14 May

Lily and Jenny started the stream of visitors this morning. We caught up with news from the environmental movement and life in general. We known each other as colleagues and this is a delightful time to know each other outside of the usual work-talk.

They also witnessed the wind-beating treatment from the Master Cheong the sinseh. Master Cheong treated my niece for her old fall injury and Ah Meng for his insomnia. My sister didnt manage to persuade Lily & Jenny to join me in my vegan diet...guess they prefer to try out the universe's best beef noodle at King's Restaurant...which they did after visiting me...haha.. :)

Dear friends Mr. & Mrs Lee Kiyau Loo also came. Always a joy to meet them. We talked about the insurance industry, how critical it is to have good insurance agents. I have two; one is an angel who is totally devoted to me getting my policy dues; and one who abandoned me when I my policy lasped before I was diagnosed with cancer, but of which symptoms appeared while the policy was in force....another friend is helping to salvage this. Let's see how this will work out.

Mr & Mrs Kua Theng Hong, Tan Ai Ngo and their kids came later. Kua and Ai Ngo are my UPM alumni where we weeded together at the UPM farms :) It is refreshing to catch up with these old friends. We didnt meet for more than a decade, and it's fun to renew ties after we have gone thru new life experiences. I have always delighted in Kua's insights about life. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the depth of his thinking, but his are the ideas that pushes the boundaries of tired conventional thinking. Thanks, Kua :)

Kua and Ai Ngo's kids helped to alleviate some of my cravings for hawker food. Kua's 4.5 year-old son prepared hokkien mee, strawberry ice cream, papaya ice cream (he said he doesnt sell durian nor mango ice cream, and the mamak mee flavoured ice cream just ran out of stock), green tea, 100 Plus, 7-Up and pizzas for me, my mom and sister. All done on plasticine, pieces of papers and ladleful of imagination. The total cost of the culinary delights is RM60.50. When I asked for a free treat,his face clouded for a minutae but Kua Jr agreed...good businessman, he is looking forward to repeat business... ;)

Tao Life Care Centre II

Went there for the 2nd time on Friday nite. I am having shortness of breath when I walk. Dr Yong the Chinese physician checked my meridian and pronounced my meridian pulses are very close to a healthy person. My shortness of breath is sort of a healing crisis. She tried to teach me some qi steps, but I can't stand for long before coughing bout comes. So she asked me to rest, and did the qi transfer again. I felt instantly energised after the session.

Dino, Mr Wong and I later discussed more about my coming trip to the China Tao centre, and also philosophy of Tao healing. Dino said cancer patients who are there are not treated like pitiful terminal patients, but as PEOPLE whose energy meridiens are not flowing as they should be, and the Tao physicians are there to help the patients boost their own energy channels. I really enjoy my trips to this Tao centre for the positive energy.

Oi, lighten up la...!

I have been blogging heavy stuff these few days. It's time to lighten up...buzzbuzzbuzz..! yumyumyum..! scrubscrubscrub...!!! :)

Scrub..! Scrub..! Scrub..!

For 3 weeks, I am not supposed to put soap on the skin where the radiotherapy hit. Today the restriction is finally lifted. I am able to put soap and scrub to my heart's content. All the yucky dirt is loofah-ed away with glee. Ummmmmmm...so squeaky clean now... :)

Yum..! Yum..! Yum..!

I am not someone who live to eat; I am a eat to live guy; eating mostly for sustenance. :)

But as a red-blooded Malaysian, I do indulge in the potpourri of Malaysian cuisine. Ask any foreigner in Malaysia and their eyes will glaze over with the incredible multitude of Malaysian cuisine. For centuries, Malaysia has been the melting pot of Asia. The tagline "Malaysia truly Asia" is very apt. The potruding Malay Peninsula receives influences from the Indian and Chinese landmasses and many other cultures. This resulted in culinary creations that have to be seen and savoured to be believed.

I have no problem with my current bland vegan diet. But I do think of fondly of some food. Today I will share with you the food which I had since childhood in Seremban. The food brings back memories of family get-togethers, and especially going with my dad to the stalls. I remember as a toddler holding dad's hand as we go for our regular weekend take-aways. Thanks, dad, for the memory and yumyums :)

Asia Curry Chicken Laksa in Senawang, Seremban - The shop is across ON Semiconductor in the Senawang Industrial Estate. Sinfully creamy curry laksa with a piece of chicken, best taken with mee + mee hoon. The wafting fragrant of the curry makes you float towards the shop. The shop is full most of the time, and prepare to stand and wait during weekends. It has been like this since I can remember.

Beef Noodle- The universe's best beef noodle can be had at the grand Hainanese old man's shop in the Main Market, or the son's shop across the old samsu factory. Dont go to other pretenders' shops. I remember carrying the blue steel tiffin as I follow my dad to old main market. I heard another of the old man's kid had another shop somewhere in Malaysia. Dry or soup beef noodle with beef sauce made in the secret chamber somewhere up there in heaven. I usually partake this on the sly with Dad because Mom frown upon taking beef as Buddhist...shhhh...hehehe

Ah Pok Char Siew Mee - Home made crunchy mee with generous helpings of char siew. Their suei kau is thick with fillings. Their curry mee is delicious too, 2nd only to the Asia Curry Laksa.

Roti canai + kari kambing - No particular shop in Seremban. I think roti canai must be taken with kari kambing (mutton curry). The more pungent the kari kambing, the closer I am to enlightenment :)

Ah Heng Rahang fish ball noodle - Was introduced by our 3rd uncle a long time ago. Ah Heng variety of fish ball (flat, round, taufu-filled, chili-filled, other vege-filled fish paste) makes me salivate onto my keyboard. But as in most things, the 1980s huge 4cm fish balls has shrucken to 21 century 2 cm teeny weenies. No problem, just order more to compensate!!!

Char Kuei Tiaw - Extinct. Previously charcoal fried char kuei tiaw on banana leave can be had in the makan stall in front of the old Convent Schools. The stalls are gone for a long time now. Then another coal fired char kuei tiaw appeared at the main market. It is also gone now.

Cameron Cafe Yee Mee - Cameron cafe is gone now, but remembers fondly mun yee mee take-awayed from here.

Cendol - When my dad goes for his weekly fix of lumba kuda lottery tickets, I will tag along. There are many cendol stalls near the lottery shops. Dad will get me a bowl of cendol while he lines up for his tickets.

The dhoti-clad Indian cendolmen will make shaved ice, pour the authentic thick rich gula melaka and the creamy white santan with green cendol into porcelain bowls. The cendolman would then hand the brimful bowl to this drooling wide-eyed young boy. The boy clasps both his hands on the sides of the now-already sticky bowl, delighting in the cold of the bowl.

Carefully the boy takes the even colder stainless steel spoon, eagerly stirring the colorful mixture to bring it into a uniform brown color. As he stirs the fragrance wafted towards his nostril whipping up his anticipation. He brings the bowl and spoon closer to his mouth, the cold stainless steel spoon touches his lips, takes a sip at this nectar of the gods...and instantly everything besides him recedes into nothingness...nirvana....

...alas, where art thou now, dhoti-clad cendolmen?

Satay - The thick thick satay at the shop across the former Wearnes' Brothers. What can I say? Those were the days where the skewered satay meat is as thrice as thick as the emacipated ones now. Creamy crunchy peanut sauce which the satayman ladeled out to your heart's content.

Hainanese food - Hainanese are the main stay of chefs in Seremban restaurants. This Chinese dialect group is a favourite chefs of the British expatriates in time long gone. They whip up mean array of Western and Chinese cuisine. Their western cuisine like chicken or pork chop is a class by itself. Their Chinese noodle dishes have their own unique touch no other dialect group can replicate. Their shops are the ones where the waiters will shout orders from the front end of the shop to the chef at the end of the shop. There is still one more such shop called Jaya Restaurant. I go there occasionally to relieve memories, and of course the delicious halal dishes.

Dim Sum - The ones at the main market. Where you sit for hours savouring chinese tea with the scrumptious dim sums.

Nasi minyak - My favourite occasions are Malay weddings; where nasi minyak (fragrant oily rice) and lots of curries and Malay dishes are served. My dad was a civil servant with lots of Malay friends, and we stay near the police barracks, so going for Malay weddings are the norm. I enjoy tucking in the food with th right hand, and smelling my fragrant fingers afterwards, letting the fragrance and memories of rendang, pineapple chicken curry, acar and other exoticans lingers on...hehe. I think eating curry with hands is a natural order of things; forks and spoons should be banished from curry meals :)

I remember one peculiar trait of my dad at Malay weddings. He is a non-smoker, but when offered one at weddings, he smokes. He explained that he don't want to hurt the feelings of the person offering the cigaratte. He will smoke but he never gets addicted. Maybe he is like Bill Clinton; he doesn't inhale!

OK, these are the makan in Seremban which I think fondly of. Next time I will move beyond Seremban. :)

Buzz..! Buzz..! Buzz..!

My sister's friend Joseph came to our house today. He is a hairdresser, and he gave me a quicky buzzy baldy monk haircut. I think my fan base will now expand greatly because of this new look. :)

Miss Yeoh Lay Hoon

"The Year Three student of SJK (C) Wen Khai not only looks after her four-year-old brother but also her cancer-stricken father while juggling time for her studies."

The Star and several Chinese newspapers highlighted Yeoh's plight and readers have responded positively.

“We have received cheques and pledges from the public, and so far more than RM10,000 has been raised,” Chai said.

Her mother left the family shortly after her brother was born and two weeks ago her father was diagnosed as having liver cancer.

Lay Hoon told reporters on Wednesday: “I have no time to miss mama. I used to cry a lot when she first left but now I am too busy taking care of my father.”

Chai said a meeting to set up a committee to manage the fund would be held today.

Wong's Bayan Baru MCA division service team and the Bayan Baru Lions Club will manage the fund.

Bayan Baru Lions Club president Goh Eng Ho, who will head the committee, said the trust fund would be used for Kim Cheng’s medical expenses and the children’s education.

Goh said he would donate RM3,000 to kick off the fund.

Those who want to help the family can contact Chai at Tel: 04-6468808."

...please help her. I will be doing my bit.

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2005/5/13/nation/10939910&sec=nation
http://thestar.com.my/news/archives/story.asp?ppath=\2005\5\12&file=/2005/5/12/nation/10918382&sec=nation

Blessed am I...

I will never ever grow tired of thanking all the people who supported me. Please allow me indulge in giving thanks again.

Having illness is of course no blessing, but somehow the illness open up a new world for me. A world where I realise how a fellow human can reveal the spendour of humanity. I could not have been so positive and strong if not for my family and friends.

My sister is the pillar of my strength. I wish she will stay strong. Her household rallied around me. It is serendipity that my sister sold organic vegetables before, so she knows many people in the health industry.

A shining example is Mr Wong who so selflessly & tirelessly slog for my wellbeing; introducing me to many incredible shining example of humanity, cooked for me and the whole family, buying the chinese herb and going out of the way to help me. He is also now helping my nephew start on organic vegetable business. I hope all work out well for all of them.

Thanks to my sister's other close friends whose presence kept my sister sane & strong; Mariam, Connie, Ms Thong, Susan, Lilian & Thomas. Lilian is back from her European vacation and is now cooking for our family. We are very sad she has to go back to New Zealand in a few days time, we hope to see her again soon...

My nephew Ah Wei is now staying with us; beginning to learn the organic vegetable trade with his cousin from Mr Wong. My youngest niece Alice helps them out when they go to sell vege. Alice is also my Master Juicer, she makes the organic vege & fruit juice.

Other helping hand include the ever-reliable & cheerful Ah Keng. Ah Meng his nephew has also just moved in with us and his is another extra hand to help in my sister's household. These are among many good situation that just come together to make things click. My uncle Victor is instrumental in getting a house for my mom so near to my sister's; so there are extra rooms for the expanding household!

My spiritual guide is Mr Lim who was introduced by Mr Wong. I always look forward to his insights and advice when he visits. Both Mr Wong and Mr Lim are new friends; would not have know them if not for my illness.

Another blessing are the old friends who pop-ed out of nowhere. Friends whom I never heard for nearly 20 years came. And I am a node where friends meet each other again. I am very happy we managed to revive old acquantainces! I am also thankful that I have so many friends who are friends in need indeed. Thanks, people.

My blog has kept me in touch with my global network of friends. Ratna my dear friend from India wanted to visit me. Dennis said his son will get me front line seat (& the hot dog!) at New York Yankees game when I visit New York again. My former colleagues from the United Nations (http://unfccc.int) are regular supporters. My alumni from IIIEE (http://www.iiiee.lu.se) and many more offer of encouragement from overseas keeps me smiling.

My blog has also introduced me to people I don't know "real-time". Friends have passed my blog url to their friends. These online new friends have emailed me to give support. Thanks, new friends, I hope one day we are able to meet. Today an online friend whom I have never met emailed to offer support for my China trip. Thanks, Ms D, your offer is very much appreciated. :)

I am blessed. I wish everyone who are in the same predicament are similarly blessed.

May all of you be well and happy.

Dino's

Mr Wong, Ah Keong, Vivien my sister, her best friend Lilian and I went to Dino's Miso Doojyoo in Pedas. The drive to Pedas is itself refreshing. It has been a long time since I am on a real country route. The routes I usually travel on are sterile highways or trunk roads with boring rubber and oil palm plantations. In contrast, the route to Dino's is a charming mosaic of dusuns, mature fruit trees, quaint kampung houses, meandering rivers, serene ponds and engaging bushes; with hardly any cars or human traffic.

Dino is quite a character. A Bohemian-looking man with a pony tail and flowing sideburns which reaches his shoulders.The work on his Miso Doojyoo is in progress. It is located in a former oil palm estate which has been chemical-free for decades. The air is clean, refreshing with occasional sights and sounds of monkeys.

I think Dino would also like this area to be a peaceful location for meditation and relaxation. When I am well, I would like to help him achieve his vision.

I am there to learn walking exercise from Dino. He taught me the steps. I could not walk for long because I got breathless. He said that is a good sign because I know my weakness. He also taught more steps to everyone who came. We talked about the meaning of illnesses. Like for me, I would not have learn or re-learn or revised all the healing practices if I am not ill.

I have gained a lot of insights and new friends with my current condition. A whole new world has opened up for me; especially sharing my knowledge about cancer. Dino also shared his experience about some friends whose life has become more meaningful because of their illnesses.

Thank you to Mr Wong for introducing Dino to me. And of course to Dino who helped us at the Tao centre, and teaching me the walking exercises. He said I can go to his Miso Doojyoo anytime for the fresh air. Another shining example of selfless humanity.

My take so far

The health journey I have started since 3 March is now more than 2 months. The journey has brought me to interesting experiences; some good, some bad and some just dead end. I would now like to share some of my healing experience; medication, diet, spiritual and psychological experiences. Many friends has recently emailed me to say the info here is useful for them; some have relatives and friends diagnosed with cancer.

I must emphasise that everyone has to find his or her own combination of therapy. Some may work for me, some may not. Ultimately, each person must find a combination suitable for that stage of the health. So I don't endorse any of the therapy which I am currently on now, only that at this stage of time, I find the combination suitable.

This blog is a very long one; to compile my therapy so far. So here goes...

Medication
Conventional medication.
Dexo steroid - to minimise swelling. Taken for short term, and must be tapered off slowly. Side effects on the kidney and face swelling. Against the advise of the doctor, I abructly stopped it before my seizure episode. Maybe that is one of the reason.
Bone metastasis pill - to minimise calcium leaching from my bone metastasis. Havent started this yet.
Pain killers - took this after my IJN operation. Has long since stopped.

There are not many medication for cancer. The conventional treatment for cancer is surgery, chemo and radiotherapy. There may be some trials for orally taken medication. You have to talk with your doctors about coming or on-going trials.

There is a pill called Iressa which is already in the market. NCI has a trial a few years ago where patients are given free Iressa pills. Iressa has proven, for some patients, to to arrest lung cancer. The cost is around RM7000-8000 per month. The NCI doctors recommend Iressa as the 3rd line of defense after 2 courses of chemo, one reason being the high cost. And if Iressa is proven not useful for a patient, it is taken off. If it is useful, then it would be heartbreaking if the patient
has to stop taking Iressa because he/she can't afford it for the long term.


Complementary medication
Comprise mostly of chinese herbs. I took Prof. Chris Teo's since I was diagnosed with cancer in March. A thing I learnt is that you MUST monitor the effects of your herb intake. The sinsehs I have met told me it is not advisable to continuously taking chinese herbs without monitoring. Chris Teo's herb has helped a lot of people, I think his centre is the most systematic in recording the patient's progress. He has written many books documenting the herbs.

Except that there is no meridien monitoring of the herb's effect. But I urge cancer patients to give his herb a try. I am also concerned that there is no mention of ingredients of his herbs. This makes things difficult if we want to take other chinese herbs in combination with his. I hope to talk to him when I meet him end of this month.

The sinsehs I have been meeting lately have also been prescribing various herbs too. One particular sinseh comes regularly to monitor how I respond to the herbs. I think this should be the way. The medication are taken boiled or as soup.

I am also taking homeopathic medication. I go to see the homeopath once a week to monitor my condition.

Diet
I am on a total vegan, salt-free and white sugar free diet. I am following loosely Gerson therapy which emphasised on this, and juicing. My diet consist of:

-Freshly prepared ORGANIC fruit and vegetable juicing; 6-7 250ml mug per day (Gerson recommended 13 glasses)
-Minimal plain water because they dilutes stomach acids and affect the absorption of the juices.
-Liquid are also obtained from the medicated and herbal soup.
-Hippocrates soup twice a day(Gerson said this is formulated by Hippocrates himself!)
(Details of this diet can be obtained from books of Gerson Therapy. I use the book entitled "The Gerson Therapy" by Charlotte Gerson and Morton Walker; ISBN 0-00-715608-1; thanks to Harold, Marzuki and Mazita for this gift; www.gerson.org)

-Cryptomodales pills ( a type of chlorella algae) for protein
-Extract of cryptomodales for cell repair.
-Occasionally fermented food of OMX.
These are products of 2 direct selling companies.

-Vitamin C 1000mg
-Royal jelly and propolis
- will start on the CoenzymeQ10 pills for my heart. After my heart surgery, my pulse is still in the region of 3-digits. Many has advise Co-enzyme will help.

Meals consist of lunch and dinner of whole organic vegetables. Mostly steamed. Liberal amount of potatoes and green veges. No mushroom because they are very complex and difficult to digest fungi (they are not considered as vegetables in Gerson therapy!). I take also liberal amount of oatmeals.

I am emphasising more on the nutrient part of my therapy, rather than medication. My body needs the nutrient to build up. I know there are doubts whether a strict vegan diet is able to supply the nutrients especially the protein. Well, from what I understand, bioavailability of vegetable protein is very much higher than other forms of protein. Gerson said "bioavailability protein derives from potatoes, vegetables, juices and oatmeal". You have to read the biological basis of the Gerson therapy from the book, I can't do justice to them in a blog.

One somewhat contrarian advise from Gerson is the prohibition of soybeans and soy products. For many eastern therapy especially macrobiotics, soy products like miso is like the ultimate anti-cancer supplement. Gerson's reason for the prohibition:"high fat content, high sodium content, toxic inhibition to nutrient absorption, and/or elevated protein content". The soy products prohibited includes tofu, tempeh, miso, tamari, Bragg's liquid Amino, textured vegetable protein and soy milk."

I guess you have to evaluate for yourself the different advise. For me, if the prohibited food is not critical and has substitutes, I will go the conservative way and avoid it. So I avoid soy products.


Spiritual and Psychological
These aspects are the ones I must improve a lot on. When I wake up, I pay refuge to the Buddha for blessing the day. Whenever I am in doubt, I always imagine the Buddha beside me. What I want to achieve is a more systematic way for my spiritual well being.

I do occasionally metta meditation which I intent to do now daily. I think of all the people I know and send them loving kindness or metta. There are many people I know who have their own health and personal problems, I visualise taking these problems into my heart, cleansing them in my heart, transmuting the bad cells to good ones, and sending the good light back to them. I imagine them transformed from sadness to gladness with the good vibes.

Many of you have been included in my metta meditation, so this meditation take up a lot of time. I know many of you are thinking and praying for me, I assure you it has not been a one way street effort; I have also been thinking and sending metta to you. Time well spent I must say and I hope I have touched you somehow. The ultimate objective is to reach beyond the people I know,and to do metta to all suffering beings in the universe.

For me personally, I am trying to visualise and emphasise on refreshing my body in my mind's eye. I imagine the Buddha sending a bright white light with blue edge (why? It just come like that!) to my body as I lie down. I breathe in the light and sends it all over my body. All cells; cancerous and healthy cells delight in this light. The cells are happy to receive the light. Ultimately, the light keeps the healthy cells strong, and transmute the cancer cell to normal cells. I also invite the cancer cells to liberate themselves and get themselves a better existence where they don't suffer nor bring suffering.

There are many methods for spiritual and psychological well-being. I need to spend time to find one suitable for me. I want to fill my thinking time with positive thoughts; negative or stressors will be minimised. Of course occasional negative thoughts will intrude but it's ok. What is important is we are aware and able to leash them, and substitute good thoughts.

As mentioned in an earlier blog, I consider myself a spiritual rather than a religious person. My affinity with Buddha is because I consider him as the most unobstructive religious teacher. He does not conjole, he just consider himself a teacher who shared what he found out about the laws of the universe. Sometimes well intentioned friends and relatives tried to share their faith with me; I thank them for their kind gesture. But sometimes to receive the benefit of their faith, conversion is required, sometimes I have to accept their faith. I find this unpalatable. I prefer to go beyond religions and go to the higher level; the spiritual level.

Qiqong and life force exercises
I have learnt qiqong before, and I am re-learning again. I must confess I don't know for sure how qiqong works. But I understand that if the qi flow are obstructed, energy channels will be affected. Obstruction will bring about diseases which is actually the body's attempt to tell us that our meridian is blocked. That is why qiqong emphasise so much on smooth flow of the meridians. A good qi flow will wash away bad cells and any blockages. I will share with you my knowledge as I learn more about this.

Tao Life Care Centre

My health journey continues last nite at Tao Life Care Centre in Taman Cheras Utama. Ah Keng, sis, Mr Wong, Mdm Yong & I depart for Cheras. Dino met us at a designated place to guide us to the centre. This is the centre where Dino has arranged for some Qi event for me. This is actually a centre for Tao studies. It is a community of fellow learners comprising of Chinese physician and Qigong masters. So my impression that a group of Qiqong masters going to channel their Qi to only me is incorrect..hehe ;)

Anyway, there are several new people like me who came to the centre last nite to get healing advise. I was attended by a young Chinese physician. She checked my meridian and diagnosed my weaknesses especially with the immune system and meridian.

She tried to find the root cause of my illness, and we discussed about the philosophy of chinese medicine. She advised me to strengthen my inner energy and refrain from taking medication; conventional and alternative without proper monitoring of their effects. She then prescribed some chinese herbs to strenghten myself. The recurring theme is my body has to be strong enough to heal itself; taking medication passively will only make the disease recur if the body is weak.

I can feel that I am treated as a whole person, and the ultimate responsibility is my own. Many times in other treatment, I felt the emphasis has been on the tumor.

After that, a qiqong master taught me and my sister simple qiqong steps. Ah Keng & Mdm Yong took another more vigorous lesson in another room. It is times like this I wish my Mandarin is better! The people there can speak English and other dialects, but they prefer to impart their instruction in Mandarin because that is the "lingua franca" of Tao knowledge.

After the Qiqong lesson, Dino showed us on his notebook the photos of their Master at his China centre and his visit to Germany. He is setting up a healing centre in Germany and there are many photos of his healing sessions there. There are some interesting pictures of healed patients, and there is even some photos of his assistant baking bread with her own Qi energy! This is to demonstrate the power of a human qi energy, I think.

I have very good vibes about this master, He looked in his early 30s, and has learnt Tao since he was a 4 year-old! I think I will go to China to get healing from him. His centre looks really good; it looks peaceful and clean. And the pictures of the food at the centre makes everyone salivate...hahaha

After the break, and since I told them I have sleeping problem, the physician taught me Sleeping Qiqong. I was asked to lie down on a treatment bed, in full view of everyone as a demonstration! So they taught me relaxation and Qi steps to have a peaceful sleep. Last nite I really had a good sleep after practising the steps.

Finally, to help strengthen my qi and meridian, the physician asked me to lie down again. This time she will impart her Qi to me thru my dandian (location under my navel). So she prepared herself for 15 minutes, the placed her palms to my and send Qi. What can I say, having a pretty physician massaging my dandian...Mr Wong and I joked about this on the way back...well, at least at this stage I can still find the opposite sex attractive...hahaha :)

I have good feelings about the community of Tao practicioners in this centre. They are very helpful and have a very positive attitude about the benefits of their teachings. The final words from the physician is that "You can be cured". I certainly hope and will work hard for it to be so!

All of us from Seremban depart from the centre with very good feelings. Somehow we think this is the best part of my health journey so far. Friends who are interested to know more about this centre can call me or email me at heeboon@gmail.com. I will be there again this Friday evening.

KIV

Met Dr Selva and told him my intention to postpone brain radiotherapy. He is sympathetic and understands my concerns about the side effects. That's what I like about the doctors at NCI, they don't put presssure if they know the the patient is aware of the consequences. So we decided to see how well I will tolerate the tapering off of the steroid, which until now may have been masking the symptoms of the brain tumor. I will see him again in 2 weeks time.

Miracle

I am feeling very much better now. But I have no illusion about my situation. I know everyday I able to wake-up pain-free and have a trouble-free day is a miracle; a bonus in my existence which I am very thank you for. I cherish each day and a trouble free day is a chance for me to concentrate on my psychology and emotional strength.

Today is supposed to be the start of my brain radiotherapy. I have decided to tell Dr Selva I won't do it for now. I want to hold back as long as possible any radiation to my brain. The brain is the seat of my personality, intelligence and consciousness. Possible side effect is a change in all these. I don't want that to happen. My mind is the one thing I have control now, and I intend to control it as long as possible. I want to be aware!

I am fully aware also what will happen if the tumors at the brain continue to grow and spread; that is a risk I will take, a gamble.

Dunhill Qi

Went to see the Dunhill-smoking Qi Qong master last nite. He was delighted to see my improvement. He asked me to continue to do the hand swinging exercises to loosen my meridians. His opinion is the same as the Reiki master; it is futile to do or learn qi qong if the meridians channels are jammed. He asked me to continue the swinging and see him again on Friday.

So no qi qong lesson this nite. Aw....

He also Qi scanned my mom and Ah Keng. Quite accurate diagnosis. There are five other students so we stayed on to see how he conduct his class. Simple sitting qi exercises. He gave his instructions in Mandarin and English.

I asked him if there's problem with him smoking. He said sure there is problem, but he is able to tackle the harmful effect of smoking by excreting the waste. He smoked 4 Dunhill cigarettes during the nearly 2-hours we were there. OK, if he says he can safely excrete them, I believe him! He looks really rosy and perspiring heavily at the forehead during the lesson and scanning sessions. I think this is a mark of good Qi flow, similar to the Reiki master.

I have faith in this Dunhill Qi master. I will consider whether there is necessity to go to China when there is a reasonable Qi master right here in Seremban. I will decide after trying out tonite's Cheras session and talking to the Qi masters. The Dunhill master said his Qi qong style is 5000 years old. His grandfather bought it to Malaysia after fleeing from communist China.

He explained that during the communist times, many qi art are lost and only revived after Deng Siau Ping come to power, which is only around 30 years ago. So the authentic art are kept alive outside China. I know what he is getting at; China not necessary have the original nor should always be seen a the mother-of-all-things superior.

The Dunhill master teaches in KL too. In Old Klang Road during the weekend. KL friends who are interested can email at me at heeboon@gmail.com to get his phone number. His name is Master Tan. He is in Seremban on Tuesday and Friday nites, and Melaka on Monday nites.

Friends

This few days my life has been filled with kindness of friends. Their presence and action has been extremely uplifting. Words can't describe the joy they bring. I can only know that the law of cause and effect will reward them for their compassion.

This year's Mother Day is special. I stayed at home, but the rest of my family and some relatives celebrated Mother's Day at Mr Wong's vegetarian restaurant. Mr Wong and Ah Meng (Ah Keng's nephew) prepared scrumptious vegetarian dishes. I heard the dishes are simply incredible and out of this world! Dessert includes vegetarian fried ice cream! yumyum :) Thanks, Mr Wong, for making this such a special Mother's Day for the mothers in my family!

Mr Wong talked with Dino about my situation, a Miso Doojyoo owner (among other things) based in Pedas. Dino has helped cancer patients before and sends back the message to me that cancer is not incurable. Dino knows of a group of Qi Qong masters in Cheras. He has arranged for a mass Qi Qong session specially for me in Cheras on Wednesday. These Qi Qong masters will qi me and help strengthen my meridians.

They will teach me some Qi Qong steps and later evaluate if I am fit to travel to China. From what I understand, there is a Qi master in China who will take me under his tutelage until I am well again. The prospect of travelling to China to get personal Qi Qong lessons sounds very very attractive! So today 2 vehicles will travel to Cheras where Dino will wait for us and bring us to the Qi Masters' Lair! :)

Mr Wong also bought the sinseh to check on me again. The sinseh said my meridian is stronger, and this augurs well for my recovery. I told him I got disturbed sleep. Like now, I am blogging at 4am. I woke up around 1.30am and still awake now; 4.30am. The sinseh said this can't be helped with my irregular resting and sleeping in the day time. Anyway, I know this is abnormal, but I guess I have to cope as well as possible with this insomnia. I blog and do meditation during this time.

Mdm Yong, a friend of my sis came yesterday. She is a breast cancer survivor. She also emphasised that cancer is no death sentence. She bought a air filter system for me to try out, to purchase if I like it. We talked for awhile and we supported each other; she is currently having some personal problems too. I can only hope she can overcome her problem, without having any comeback of the cancer. I wish I can do more for her, now I can only send metta and wish her well.

Cheah came yesterday. Die-hard friends like Cheah & Wonga come liberally and I am always more than happy to see them. Their mere presence, even without conversation, is enough to make me feel cherished as a friend.

And the weekends visits from friends & relatives really strengthen me. Thank you again, friends and relatives! Wish you be well and happy!

Liberation ceremony

Four vehicles headed for Jeram Tebrau near Tiroi, Labu this Sunday afternoon. Every member of my sister's household, Mom, Mr Wong, Mr Lim, Mdm Chang, her 2 students and I are in this convoy. Mdm Chang is a "liberation" ceremony expert.

The reason was for a "liberation" ceremony at the jungle retreat. It is a Buddhist ceremony where caught and caged animals are released. This symbolises the liberation from suffering of the person who releases the animals, thru the freedom of the animals. I was asked to release 38 birds (symbolises my 38 years of existence), 500 fishes, lots of crickets and lots of frogs to be released at the waterfall retreat. All of us recited phrases to wish these living beings well at their release.

One of the bird was quite ill at her release. I was concerned that the 38th bird may not survive the liberation ceremony; does not augur well for my 38th year of existence then!..hehe...but Mr Wong and Mr Lim assured me that the bird, after resting at a tree truck, managed to fly away.

I always have reservation about such ceremony. Some of these animals are caught in the first place to cater for the "liberation" market. I can't think of any other use for this particular species of bird except to be bought by people who want to do liberation ceremony. The fishes, crickets and frogs may have other uses such as bait.

And releasing wild birds in a habitat unsuitable for them brings them stress and may even be dangerous for them in terms of finding food, shelter and protection from predators. And these birds,I am sure, are survivors of many more which may have died in the arduous journey to reach the pet shop, to be packaged as birds-to-be-liberated.

The birds are packaged in tight newspapers, some could have been suffocating at the bottom of the pile. At the ecological level, these birds are removed from their ecological function (such as pest control) to be released in a habitat that has no use for their function, and may disrupt the ecological cycle of the new habitat.

This will be my first and last liberation ceremony. I would not want to do this ceremony again. The notion that animals getting caught in a "liberation" market is weird and pathetic. I think it brings unnecessary suffering and death. Best to let them be. The animals that really need liberation are the battery chicken and farm animals; not catching and releasing wild animals, into a habitat not of their own!

But all being said, I thank everyone who has organised this for me. Their intention is noble, and I hope the liberated animals find peace.

Sunday

My eldest brother brought 2 "brand new" nieces to see me. They are the daughters of my eldest sister. Both newly graduates working in KL, staying very near to where I used to stay in PJ. This is just the beginning of getting to know all the nieces and nephews and other members of my "other" family.

Another batch of my MNS comrades came too; Ros, Pai and their son. Gave them a pair of pet turtles which my niece has lost interest in. The poor turtles are wallowing in their a tiny plastic container. They will be released into Pai's pond at KKB.

Mr Chong the Reiki master came to reiki me. Pai and family bear witness to this. Again, I felt nothing as Mr Chong reiki me for an hour. He said normally people would feel the Qi flowing from his admistration, but my energy channels are all stuck hence I am Qi insensitive.

After the reiki, Mr Chong gave some contradictory advice; he advised me not to practice Qi qong because at my stage; it is futile. It is better to do simple exercises to open up my channel and not waste time on doing Qi qong. I think this is strange advice, so I will proceed with my usual qi qong exercise. If it does no harm, why stop?

He also asked me to eat pork or medication boiled with pork. This also contradicts with many other advise to avoid meat. I definitely won't partake in red meat now, especially our hormone and what-have-you-laden pork. But the thought of gorging on pork stomach bak kut teh with yau cha kuei (chakoi) is very very appealing indeed...hahaha!

Evening saw my friends from ACS and KGV visiting. Mr Loo, our KGV Bio teacher, came too. Long time friend Bong Chee Choy came too...didn't see him for nearly 20 years! Thanks for coming, guys. Mr Lim came again with Vivien and her brother. Vivien has read my blog and wanted to meet the author ;)

Saturday

Last weekend was a flurry of activities at my sister's place.

Saturday saw a stream of visitors from morning till evening. Tiring but very satisfying. Morning saw my new and former colleagues from the Malaysian Nature Society; Shan, Phang and Kim. Su Win & Philip came in the afternoon. Kisho, Jarina, Soo Chin rounded up my array of comrades from the environmental protection arena. They represent my comrades since I joined the environmental movement in the early 1990s till now! :)

Wish Soo Chin will be able to choose her future study path. Protecting the environment is a very meritorious endeavour. May more young people like her take this up with passion. All the best too to Jarina in her new set-up to assist the local communities in marine parks, and to your coming Ph.d studies.

Both of them saw a sinseh treating my sister and Ah Keng for their ailment. My sister has pain in both her legs, Ah Keng on his shoulders. The sinseh, who has prescribed medication for me, proceed to "beat" the wind out of my sis's legs and Ah Kengs shoulders. Not a pretty sight...haha.

Evening saw Mr Lim coming to share something he read in a Buddhist magazine. Thanks. I always appreciate the new insights Mr Lim brings at each of his visit.

Sinseh and Qi Qong master

I met with one Chinese medicine master (sinseh) and one Qi Qong master today.

The Chinese medicine master has seen me twice before. This time he prescribed a special powder to be taken orally. It was supposed to cleanse the tumor from the brain area. He asked me to do another CT scan before the Wednesday to see if there is any difference.

The Qi Qong master was recommended by Roy, Mdm Wee's son. This guy is amazing. He stands in front of me and "Qi" scanned me. He diagnosed me accurately and taught me some basic Qi Qong moves to relieve the stiffness of my shoulder and bring more Qi into my body. He also accurately diagnosed my sister and nephew's ailments. He just stands in front of them and scan them from top to bottom. At the end of his "unplugged" scan, he was perspiring heavily. Awesome!

Will see him again next Tuesday. He will then check whether I am able to proceed with more advanced steps. He said if my muscles relaxes, the chances of recovery would be good. He asked whether I am still working, I said no, he said so be disciplined and do the exercices. I tried to probe whether he will give advice on the possible brain radiotherapy. He said he won't give such advice, it is entirely up to me.

Anyway, both of these experience gives me more confidence for next week.

To do or not to do...is that the question?

Talked with Dr Selva. He explained to me the immediate and long term side effects. Immediate side effects would be, for some people, hair loss and headache. Long term (after 2-3 years) effects would be changes in personality and intelligence. That is my main concern. The brain is the seat of my personality and intelligence. The Hee Boon you and I know is the one I want to remain.

I am very tempted to say no to the radiotherapy. But then, will the tumors grow and more seizures to come?

Postponed

A uncharacteristically compliant me agreed to everything Dr Kana suggested yesterday. He and Dr Selva wants my radiotherapy to start today. There is a nagging feeling I am being rushed but I do understand the urgency from the doctors' part.

Mr Lim yesterday saw me. And he expressed to my sister about his concern whether I am able to cope with radiotherapy in my current weakened state. My sister told me about Mr Lim's concern this morning. That is all the motivation I need to call NCI to postpone the first session.

I also checked the American Brain Tumor Asscociation's website to get more info at http://hope.abta.org. I looked at the possible side effects and my....I wouldn't want to put them down here.... :P

Could not get Dr Selva who is the radio oncologist, so talked with Dr Kana. He agree with the postponement. He also told me the possible consequnces, including sudden death if the tumors increases in size. I said sudden death would be the perfect solution; we laughed but he said that is not the solution. :)

So I have decided on next Wednesday for the 5 sessions because I like the weekend break. I will talk to Dr Selva tomorrow about the details of the radiotherapy...hopefully it will be short sessions like the previous therapy.

The last blog

No, this is not the last blog :)

But I am preparing for the eventuality. Looking at the present situation, the last blog may inform you that I won't be able to update this blog anymore.

You may think Hee Boon is giving up hope, no I am not. Hope is very precious to me now. What I am doing now is like preparing a will. Just a hard cold documentation of how I want this blog to end if I can't post the final message.

Two of my good friends has consented to be my last blog custodian. Jarina will post my final message or to inform you the "news". My sister who knows Kian Foh will convey urgent news to Kian Foh who will then contact Jarina.

Friends of the blog, please treat this message like a will. It provides a good feeling for me; I have the knowledge that a proper closure can be achieved both in my life and the life of this blog.

Thanks. May all beings be well and happy.

Brain metastasis

Yesterday, I went to NCI Cancer Institute as a follow-up to the previous radiotherapy sessions. I told Dr Kana about my seizure yesterday. He was also shocked to see me in a wheelchair. The seizure has resulted in inner thigh muscle pain which makes it painful to walk. He sent me for a CT scan to the brain.

The CT scan shows the cancer has spread to my brain.

I broke down in front of Dr Kana. I sort of expected this but having it confirmed is just too much for me. He talked with Dr Selva and they suggested an immediate radiotherapy tomorrow to the brain. I meekly agreed. I can't think straight.

Today, the thigh muscle ache subsided considerably and I can walk unaided. I will call Dr Selva to know if I can postpone the radiotherapy for a few days. Just to get my composure back, and to allow my body recover from the seizure and de-toxification. Dr Kana assured me that there will be minimal side effects from radiotherapy to the brain. I am still not convinced. I want to find out more.

Seizure

I had a seizure yesterday(Tuesday) evening. It was around 6.30pm when my sister found me coiled up with difficulty breathing. My lips, toe and fingernails were all blue. I was incoherent. The ambulance came but, even in my delirious stage, I refused to go. The two student doctors who are tenants at my sister's house tried to persuade me to go. But I refused. I finally came out for my delirium with pelvic and middle spine pain with no recollection of my seizure. I could not remember about the commotion nor the strecther; I only remember the faces of the two doctors.

This is a shock and a major dissapointment with me. I thought my tumor is under control. Could it be brain metastasis? Coincidently today I am going to have the pre-radiotherapy consultation with the NCI doctors. I have hoped to see them to bring good news that I was better after the radiotherapy...

My other family

I am an adopted child. I have never met any of my biological siblings although I know where they are. I knew my eldest biological sister have always wanted to get in touch with me. Before the cancer, I have decided to only meet my biological family after my adopted mom has passed away. I know she is insecure about me meeting them.

But the cancer changes everything, I met with my siblings before I had my IJN operation. My biological parents has long since passed away. I have 6 siblings; 3 brothers and 3 sisters. I am the youngest; the number 7. I met with 4 siblings as 2 others are living quite far away. It was quite an experience to meet one's own siblings for the first time! All of us tried to look for similarities; physical and behavioral. :)

When I had my seizure yesterday, my current sister (my adopted one-I will call her "sister") called them. My sister said the way I looked yesterday was quite frightening and she expected the worse; that's why she called them.

My eldest brother and third brother came with his wife immediately upon receiving the call. My eldest brother stays in Seremban while the 3rd in KL. We talked till midnight, about our family and life. Their presence meant a lot to me, and helped me to regain my strength. Unlike many who know their siblings, these precious moments of knowing my own "long lost" siblings were very emotional.

I told them I first found out I was adopted was I was 13 years old. I was devastated. My whole world collasped and I had my first gray hair then, which remained in the same location since. For a long time I was lost. Could the seeds of my cancer started then?

The course of nature

Mr Lim came to see me last night after my seizure, so did Mr Wong. I express my dissapointment about this latest incident. Mr Lim encouraged me to try my best, and whatever happens will be as nature intended. He gave me some other advice which I appreciated very much.

De-tox

For mature audiences only ;)

Friday 29 Apr - Took de-tox concoction in the morning. Then took Epsom salt in the afternoon. Both were meant to cleanse my gallbladder from gallstones and for general de-tox. Felt so very tired in the afternoon. Purged. Recovered a small 10-sen size emerald green-colored stone at my 3rd purge. I suspect there may be more in the first 2 purges. Early last year, for an unrelated check-up, I did an ultrasound scan to my abdomen which found 3-4 benign cyst in my gallbladder. Mdm Wee also diagnosed some stones in gallbladder.

Sat 20 Apr - Took Epsom salt in the morning. Purged. Lots of tiny roundish greenish soft stones in the excavation (nice phrase to meant u know what ;). Also felt lethargic.

Sun 1 May - Last de-tox. Took Epsom salt again. Purged. Lots of bigger roundish greenish soft stones. Not sure if these are stone or excavated stuff :P

Will go see Mdm Wee tomorrow for consultations.

Note- Epsom salt is awfully bitter. I thought it should be salty...

What about my sore throat? What sore throat? ;)

Lung Cancer

The Seremban GH doctors wrote that my cancer's primary is unknown (the original cancerous tumor; the source of cancerous cells that lead to secondary or metastatic tumors). The NCI doctors said based on observation, most probably the primary site is the lungs. My lung cancer is the non small cell type, and is further classified as adenocarcinoma which is a common lung cancer for non-smoker. So stop asking me if I am a smoker or ever was!!!

Ghita Andersen Othman sent me a link to http://www.cancerguide.org . This is a great site for cancer info; thanks, Ghita :)

It is from here I found an e-book titled "With Every Breath: A Lung Cancer Guidebook" by Dr. Tina M. St John. She lost her husband to lung cancer and wrote this book to help other lung cancer patients. The book can be downloaded at http://www.lungcancerguidebook.org/book.htm

It is from this book I found some answers to my cancer conditions.

Why the speedy spread of my cancer?
The first symptom of my cancer is pericardial effusion in early December. Now I know the lung cancer has spread to my bones and chest lymph nodes. Why so fast? The book explains(pg 31):

"Most lung cancers are relatively slow growing. Researchers have estimated that by the time a lung tumor grows to 1 centimeter in diameter , it has been present for an average of 8-15 years (my node which was biopsied is around 2 cm). Although most lung cancers are slow growing, they have the ability to metastasize or spread to other parts of the body early in their growth. The high blood flow through the lungs may facilitate the metastatic process."

The book further states that the lack of nerves in the lungs allows the cancer to spread without much symptom until the late stages. 95% of lung cancer patients are detected because of symptoms showing up, not because of early detection.

"The lungs are highly vascularized organs, meaning they have many blood vessels running through them. This vascularization is needed for the quick exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide that takes place with each breath. Among people with lung cancer, these blood vessels provide many convenient routes for lung cancer cells to travel to other parts of the body."

"The lungs also have a rich supply of lymphatic vessels. Lymphatic vessels are part of the immune system.Cancer cells in lymph fluid that escape the lymph nodes may travel to other areas of the body and cause metastatic tumors."

The book also lamented the lack of early screening for lung cancer. Lung cancer is, from the medical viewpoint, incurable at the late stage:"It is notable that there are screening programs for both of the second most common causes of cancer death in the U.S. − breast cancer in women and prostate cancer in men.There are also screening guidelines for the number three cancer killer of men and women,colorectal cancer. Yet, we do not screen for the number one cancer killer of both men and women – lung cancer. Lung cancer kills more Americans every year than breast,prostate, and colon cancer combined."